OMG I'm actually pregnant

It's starting to hit me. About the same time as the extreme vagueness, persistent nausea, dizziness and fatigue. There's actually a baby in there (somewhere under all that fat!).

Princess has gone for a daddy weekend which is a good thing while we get our heads around this new development. It's funny that we've wanted this for so long, but now it's here, it's still a little scary.

We had a beautiful day yesterday. LB had previously banned me (cos I'm a ridiculous emotional shopper for anything but clothes for me) from buying, or even looking too much, at baby things. So we went on a trek yesterday to find a Baby T.arget. I remember having such a good time in those places when expecting Princess. So the internet told us that there is one in Werribee and one in Preston. Neither places that are desirable places to go for any other reason! We trekked across (minimum 30 minute drive!) to Preston only to find that it had closed down. Thwarted! But then we bizarrely ran into a friend and proceeded to have a great catch up and lunch with her. And we just had to tell her! Who would have thought the going to Preston was such a good idea! Especially given that our other friends who live there (with their adorable 5 m old son) weren't around to visit. So then we trekked to Werribee. Almost an hour from Preston, half an hour from home. No Baby T.arget there either. It clearly wasn't meant to be. We did however visit a few other shops and finally bought some very cute things for our PBX. And now I'm not allowed to get anything else for a while (it's a good thing that one of us is sensible!)



While down there, we decided to drop in on some other friends, who we haven't seen in at least 15 months. Before the whole TTC began. They have an 18 month old and are expecting their second in August. And of course we just had to tell again! Just can't keep our mouths shut. So nice to hang out with them and their adorable girl and talk babies without any of that jealousy and resentment clouding it all.

So much for not telling! LB doesn't want to tell anyone (else!), including Princess, until 12 weeks. I'm a lot more conflicted about it, mainly because I can't keep a secret to save myself! And I especially hate excluding Princess from this. It's been awful during the whole TTC process for that reason, but it was just not sensible to let her in on it. And now, the situation is pretty much that if we tell her, the whole world will know. And I'm not quite ready for the whole world to know.... Anyone got any ideas on this?

This morning I woke up feeling awful so just plugged in to catch up on blogs. While I wasn't looking, LB tidied the entire house! I turned around after about half an hour and the house that formerly looked like a bomb had hit it is now pristinely tidy. And she's making pancakes now! Thank you all for your lovely comments, they do so make us smile. So I have been keeping up with all your blogs, even though I haven't been commenting... A summary of my thoughts:

• Vee and Jay - am hoping so hard that this is your time. Paramedic sperm has got to be good right! Sending virtual babydust.
  
• Owl and Pcat - sorry to hear about the doctor dramas - is so hard to find a decent one in this city. And well done for succeeding with the big girl bed! Yay for 2008 babies indeed!
  
• Mrs Bluemont - good luck with the upcoming insems. Thinking fertile thoughts for you.
• Tiff - missed opportunities are so hard to deal with. :( I'm looking forward to more of your thoughts.
• Renee (and Janice) - i hope that you have had the opportunity to talk and that you both feel better about things.
  
• Notesfrom2moms - i'm already feeling the pressure! and it's nice that we're only about a week apart and can do this together.
• And Chips - hang in there until test day! hoping yours is as much fun as mine was.
  

And as for my Anonymous commenter - I know who you are! And we don't all have fresh sperm on tap like you (in the form of a husband) AND get lucky on the first try! :P

Today we're going to start to tackle the challenges of gluten free dairy free pregnancy nutrition (cos potato gems and pancakes for breakfast probably isn't a good long term plan). Can't ever do anything the easy way.

Two pink lines

I think this really speaks for itself. 5.30 temp call, temp was still up. POAS produced the two coveted pink lines.

Even though quite exhausted, Clark and I have been lying awake since then, being periodically ecstatic and then hashing details such as when we can get to the doctors, when should we tell people.

Clark is now happily reading the pregnancy books that we acquired, and we are marvelling at the conflicted opinions of what to avoid and what's good for you...

We're having a baby! PBX is now Pre-BX.

CD32

My period is due today. My last two cycles have been 32 days, the ones before all shorter.
I'm so damned nervous. Can't focus on anything, can't sit still, my stomach is churning.

Temps are still way higher than usual.

I'm think I'm going insane.

If AF hasn't showed up by tomorrow morning, we're going to test. At 5:30am, cos that's when we temp and we just can't wait any longer! It's killing me to wait until then. But I'm just so scared of getting a negative.

The chart

inconclusive, but still higher than usual at this stage. AF due today or tomorrow.


and sorry, mrs bluemont, but we're not going to test until at least friday! early tests have only led to much disappointment in the past and i want to postpone that as long as possible.

Hurry up and wait

Phantom symptoms? Or the real deal?

- Tender, denser breasts
- Heartburn
- Periodic nausea
- Fatigue
- Vagueness
- Elevated temperature
- Spotting last week
- CD30 and no AF

Its all adding up to some good news, or some pretty extraordinary imaginary symptoms.

Chart is looking good. Temp has stayed high and has risen even higher this morning. No sign of a drop at this stage. And AF would be due today, tomorrow or Thursday. And no usual telltale temp drop.

So I'm actually feeling a little bit hopeful that Clark may actually be pregnant this time. Through the generalised cloud of despondency I'm finding myself in at the minute. Source unknown.

Sixth time lucky, perhaps.

Triplets

I babysat 12 month old triplets last night. They are amazing kids and I am filled with admiration for their parents. Just being with those babies, settling them when they cried, holding them while they smiled and giggled was like a balm for my soul.

I was brooding when I arrived (see previous post!) but within a short time of being there, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Here were two people who faced great adversity to have their children, only to deal with the shock of three at once. They do it with such dignity and enthusiasm and joy. Those children are so secure and loved and beautiful. It just reminded me that there is justice in the world.

Once they were all asleep (with little effort on my part), I settled in to watch some tv and felt a bit wierd in my lower abdomen. When I went to the bathroom there was blood. And quite a bit of it. So I panicked. It was only DPO 10 and a whole week before my period was due. What the hell was happening? I called LB, who was at the time trying to feed and bathe and get our daughter to bed, who calmed me down with the simple words (or something to this effect) 'What will be will be. We just have to wait and see'. And the bleeding stopped.

Maybe this was the fabled implantation spotting that I've heard about (nothing at all like the other times I've thought I may have had spotting!). Add that to the crushing exhaustion, continued high temps, tender breasts, dizziness and occasional nausea I have right now and things look good. But I think I am philosophical enough to know that my body is incredibly talented at fooling me, as it has done with many of these same 'symptoms' in the past 8 months. Is very hard to stop the brain racing though....

Our intention is not to test until Friday. That's a whole 6 days away!

So not fair.

So now my sister is pregnant again. Her daughter, who I am not allowed to see, is only 15 months old. And she's married to a thug. And she's not particularly happy about this new baby. My mother told me all of this, obviously, as she won't speak to me anymore for sticking up for my family.

The injustice is horrifying, and now I'm all depressed because more than likely, I'm not pregnant. And I'm sad that she's going to have another child that I'm not going to know.