PBX = Potential Baby X = Weeny Beany

Thursday 27 December 2007

Ice cream

I've just done something quite mean - I've imposed a tax on Clark for writing a blog of a bowl of ice cream - the mean part comes in 2 minutes later when I realised that now we're in the TWW she can't eat ice cream.
Bad me.
Although, for many years I have made her porridge and all sorts of gluten-ridden things, while I cannot eat them (being coeliac), so I guess that one bowl of ice cream doesn't do much for those particular scales. If such things are weighed up.
The TWW is made much harder for C by the imposition of dietary restrictions. C herself, plus much of her family, have allergies of one kind or another. C has lactose and wheat issues, Princess cannot tolerate cow's milk and has wheat issues. So we have decided (based on studies that show that allergies can be avoided or lessened by avoiding exposure) that C will endeavour to be completely wheat and dairy free during pregnancy and breast feeding. It's not that great a stretch - I have to eat GF, and on the whole we all do - it's just not an option for her now, which I think she finds hard. Especially cheese.
It's like any diet - you always want what you can't have.
J also suggested while he was down that excess sugar intake can cause fertility issues as well - and while I'd want to perhaps verify that, it also seems sensible. But impossible over Christmas.
Christmas was great - very quiet. Just the three of us for family dinner on Monday evening, then Tuesday and Wednesday were relaxed and calm - much PlayStation and computer games and jigsaw puzzles and reading. My idea of bliss, really. What a struggle to go back to work today.
Still very hopeful about this month - haven't been this hopefully since our first idealistic attempt. Signs were all good, its just the interminable wait now. But I am frantically busy at work, so I think it will go quickly for me. Clark, however, is now finished up with work, and will worry and fret and try to do pregnancy tests long before there is any viable hope of a meaningful result.
She's so far beyond instant gratification that it's almost scary.
We just watched An Inconvenient Truth - what is scary is thinking about how much the world would be an amazingly better place if Bush hadn't bought that election. It was a fantastic film - so thought-provoking - I want to move to a desert island and really remove my carbon footprint completely. But then, I'm anti-social, so that sounds great to me anyway.
So I will finish with two recommendations:
1. Watch An Inconvenient Truth - and then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! (I will endeavour to also follow that advice).
2. Read His Dark Materials - Phillip Pullman - Not only is it an awesome read, but get something out of that too. Think about the damage that organised religion does to society - not only what it has done but what it continues to do. Don't be indoctrinated.
Happy new year - bring on a pregnant 2008!

Thursday 20 December 2007

ducks in a row....

egg white CM, positive opk (yes, i know i said we weren't going to bother :P), dipped temperature, is day 15 today, J's flight and hotel booked, sleepover arranged for Princess... all systems go.

feeling very positive...

Wednesday 19 December 2007

Moving Forward

I'm at work and really shouldn't be blogging. But it's the last day before the Christmas break, I have very little to do and my boss isn't here so I'm going to anyway!

We saw the new doctor on Monday. What a difference! She was awesome and supportive and very very helpful. She looked at all the charts and lists and information we had prepared and said, 'I don't think you have a fertility issue, I think you have a timing issue' and proceeded to give us a referral to a clinic (note that any form of clinic treatment is only legal right now if we are considered medically infertile...). She said that it's just a matter of going to a clinic that doesn't care about that particular law. So now we have an appointment on February 21.

She also said that she believed OPKs and temperature charting to be more trouble than they are worth. She said that my cycle is regular enough to ignore all that and just inseminate on day 15 and day 16 of each cycle in the meantime. So J is coming down thursday (day 15) for insemination on thursday night and friday morning. That's not to say that we've stopped temping though! We want to keep that up for peace of mind and to keep an eye on things (and my temp dipped this morning like we expected so FF might change it's mind about super early ovulation). The OPKs may just be over though. I don't think they've been accurate at all for us. When the doctor looked at when we'd inseminated using opks she said that most of them weren't timed properly at all.

In other news, we have a funky new house to live in! fully renovated, big back yard, so much nicer than where we are now.... things are looking up. UPDATE: We didn't actually get the house because the owner decided to object to our pets despite the fact that the current tenant has two dogs... Bummer.

Princess recovered from last week's school accident (falling off a fence to slice her back open on rusty wire) to gain her junior brown belt in tae kwon do as well as get an award for most improved this year. She got her school report and did extremely well given the complacency of her teacher - we don't think that Princess was challenged at all this year - she's a bit ahead for her age and class so she was just let be. There will be discussions with new teacher about this!

Only three days of full time work to go. Am so looking forward to slowing down. And to spending the summer holidays with Princess. Reconnecting, hanging out, having fun!

And we booked our major holiday too. Flying to Queensland, staying in apartment with pool, going to theme parks (and a mega mini golf crawl day because we're dorks!). Princess is going to be so excited when presented with her 'holiday voucher' xmas morning... she still thinks that if we go on holiday at all, we'll just go camping somewhere... I can't wait to see her face.

Boss is back, better get some work done!

Monday 17 December 2007

Freaking out

FF says I ovulated on Day 9!

My stream of consciousness in reaction: It can't possibly be true. It's only a dashed line not a full one. It will change when my temp starts dipping tomorrow. I was sure that I wouldn't ovulate until this friday or saturday - that's when we've arranged for J to come down. It could be that I have a cold and my temp is slightly raised from that. It could be the ridiculous amounts of exercise I did on the weekend (4 min off my 4km run time!). It could be the PMS relief herbal supplement that my naturopath gave me to regulate my cycle. It can't possibly be true!

Going to see doctor tonight. Am nervous for some reason.

In other brighter news, our state government has announced that it's going to change a heap of laws mid next year to do with gay parenting. This will include full and immediate access to ART clinics, non-bio mums on birth certificates, full parental recognition.... YAY! So many people put so much hard work into this, so a big THANKYOU to all of them for the benefits that will improve our lives so much.

If we ever manage to get pregnant.

Thursday 13 December 2007

Anxiety

I've always read and learned about the experience of anxiety, so understand the concept academically. But yesterday, I think I actually had that experience myself. My head won't stop racing with all that is going on right now, and i worry and worry and it makes my stomach hurt. Yesterday I had to sit quietly in the car before work and make myself breathe deeply in and out for about 10 minutes to make it stop.

Trying to plan for upcoming insemination. I hate the uncertainty and just want to be organised! But of course, that is impossible given that my body will do exactly as it pleases, and most probably and the most inconvenient time possible. And we'll just have to deal with it.

I feel really positive about this month despite all the ifs. Temping has given me a sense of empowerment, and seems to have taken a lot of the guess work out of things. So IF we manage to anticipate ovulation correctly, IF we can deal with the logistics of getting J down here, IF we can fit inseminations in amongst work and Princess, IF we manage to pull all that off, I feel that it may just be our month.

I really hope so because the prospect of clinics and doctors and injections and all of that really doesn't sound like much fun.

Monday 10 December 2007

Epic Craziness

Well what a month - I'm not sure where to start to chronicle all that has happened. This blog is going to end up with novel like proportions.

Princess has been sick again. She was quite ill, and the new doctor that we went to suggested that her chest issues may be due to asthma so we're going to try preventative medication for a few months to see if that makes a difference. We really hope it does.

When Princess was sick, I had to have more time off work to be at home for her. When I went back to work, I got a lecture about how they are disappointed in my reliability. The next day, they asked me to increase my hours every day (thus eliminating any of the flexibility I have thus far enjoyed) and to work for more days every week. They knew that this is just not possible for me. So I told them that they would have to find someone else who could work the hours that they need, because I can't. It only occurred to me a few hours later that they were completely aware that I was not able to do what they asked, that it was strange that all the flexibility was suddenly gone, and that this was most probably just a way to get rid of me without actually firing me (cos that's illegal of course). Or am I just paranoid? In any case, I will shortly be out of a job. And of course, I am almost finished caring for the many children I have been caring for for the past two years because it's just too stressful and full on. I guess now we'll just have to cope with the stress of unemployment and job hunting :(

What else has happened? Princess went on her first school camp, which was daunting but exciting - she had a wonderful time. LB had surgery to remove some breast lumps (which are not nasty but annoying) so has been very bruised and battered for a while. I found out that the career path that I had been planning on is no longer available, and that I will have to complete a masters in order to become qualified. Another two years study.

But good stuff has happened too! My cycle seems to have settled somewhat, with last month being somewhat conventional, which brings our hopes up for this month. J says he's most probably going to be available for insemination too, even though it will be just before christmas. LB and I both got our marks for this semester's study, and we both passed! yay! I even did much better than passing - i did exceptionally well, which is a nice surprise after the stress of this semester. LB usually out performs me, but this semester has been unbelievably hard for her for a number of reasons, and she is really pleased with her marks too. And I'm very proud of both of us.

We've been having discussions with Princess' dad (R1) about christmas. Every year of Princesses life, we've all spent christmas morning together. But he just flippantly said a few weeks ago that he thought it was too early and he wouldn't bother this year. That made me really sad, because I'm proud of the fact that despite our differences (which are ultimately very small in the grand scheme of things), we have managed to get it together for Princess every year. So I told him how I felt and yesterday we reached a compromise that he and his partner (R2) would come over christmas morning, albeit a bit later. I'm glad that our christmas tradition will hold, even though it can be somewhat uncomfortable!

I went to a conference on the weekend where a professor from my university was giving a presentation about the current state of parenting recognition for lesbian mothers in the various australian states. It was very interesting and definitely illuminating. And I got a chance to to speak to her afterwards and she had some advice for me - that we should bypass the gps and go directly to a clinic - then go back to the gp and get a referral once we have an appointment... And also that as far as parenting recognition for LB goes, we're better off using a clinic if at all possible, and also travelling to canberra to give birth if we ever get that far. All of this was very interesting, and it was great to talk to this accomplished successful woman, but afterwards I was just kicking myself. Although I initially approached her with a question about her presentation, the whole conversation became about my private journey. And ultimately I would like to conduct research very similar to hers, and she could be a very important colleague once I get a bit more qualified - i feel like it was a wasted opportunity, professionally that is. Why does everything become about TTC? It has taken over our lives....

We decided against contacting the clinic direct at this stage. It feels a bit sneaky and underhand, and we're not quite desperate enough to do that yet. We've got an appointment with another doctor on monday, who specialises in women's health and obstetrics and gynaecology. hopefully she'll be more willing to help us!

And plans for the next insemination are under way! If this month's cycle follows last month's, ovulation will be day 17 - which is heaps later than we have estimated in all our previous attempts (and we used cheap opks too...). That will be 22 december. we have stocked up on better quality opks, are taking temps religiously at 530am every day (groan), and are in close contact with j about his trip down to see us....

This week is crazy - training tonight, two christmas parties tomorrow, princess' school concert wednesday night, babysitting and looking at houses thursday night, one of my little monkey's last day with me on friday... i'm exhausted just thinking about it. And next week will just as crazy - appointment with new doctor, insemination, last week of caring for all of my little monkeys. That will be a bitter sweet thing. relief that the stress and hard work is over, sadness that this time is over, and these little guys will not take up such a large part of my life... at least i'll see two of them regularly next year....

ok, time to end the novel like post! mental note: maybe if i blogged a little more frequently, the posts might not be so long....