Baby boom

I'm addicted to news and gossip sites. (and increasingly, to blogs too now!)
Every time that I check them out lately, there is at least one, if not several, reports of various celebrities announcing that they are expecting. Or rumours of the same kind. They make it seem so bloody easy.

And to add insult to injury (i just love that saying), there have been reports here recently that a staggering number of pregnancies in Australia are not only unplanned, but occur despite the use of condoms and the pill. So not fair! Why is it so hard for those of us who so desperately want to have children, and so damned easy for all of those other people?

I must admit to some guilt in this issue though. Princess was conceived in those very same circumstances. When all odds were against it, when I was doing every possible thing you shouldn't do when TTC. (It helped that I was going through an absolute denial stage - no, I am not a lesbian!)

Am getting my comeuppance now though! Sometimes I wonder if it's all so hard this time because it was all so easy last time. Karma or something.

So it's DPO 9 today. Temp did a massive jump this morning. I fell asleep immediately after we got Princess to bed after her first day of Grade 3 (can't believe that she's one of the big kids now!). So slept for 11 hours and now just want to go back to sleep even though I've only been up for 4 hours. Breasts are still tender, feeling a bit sick (but that's really not unusual for me). My brain is racing off in a million directions... what if?

Phantom symptoms

It's DPO 7 and the most probably phantom symptoms have started - I have sore breasts, I think I've had some spotting, and I've been really all over the place with my moods - LB and I had an emotional confrontation last night about the very same things that we always fight about - nothing new at all but I really had to bring it all up at once very late last night. It did all end well though, as it inevitably does. And poor LB dealt with all that, then went back to work for the first time in 2 weeks today. Sometimes I'm so bloody inconsiderate....

My temps have been all over the place since ovulation this month. dip then spike then dip then spike again. Wierd.


So my temp now is almost as high as it's ever been. I'm hoping that it stays that way, but am still not optimistic in the slightest despite the impeccable timing. Although I'm sure that will change in the next 10 days - so that on Feb 8 (if not before), I'm once again crushed by the advent of CD1.

In nicer news, Princess has been back for a couple of days and it's wonderful to have my family back together again. I don't like it at all when we're apart. And today I took care of my two favourite little monkeys (apart from Princess of course!) - a pair of 2 year olds that I'm going to nanny for one day each week. It was wonderful to see them, and they were all full of effusive affection and much garbled discussions about their holidays. And they are practically toilet trained now - huge progress in only a month since I last saw them. And we all went out for dinner with my father tonight, who has returned home from China for a couple of weeks. That's usually a stressful occasion, as he's never really accepted LB and the fact that we are all a family, but tonight he actually made eye contact AND conversation with LB and it all went swimmingly. Is a big relief. Despite the myriad of issues I've had with him, I still do like my dad a lot, most of the time.

So apologies for the litany of complaints lately, it seems that I've just been all pissy lately. Am currently attempting to get over myself.

Grump

We are back from our amazing holiday and I'm not happy about that at all for a number of reasons, which I will now proceed to whine about:

• A teenage neighbour is having a party. They are playing the same crappy hip hop songs over and over again at a very high volume and shrieking incessantly. I'm alternately cursing them and berating myself for being an old fuddy duddy. It's horrible that we just came from a wonderful place of such peace and tranquility only for our hard earned relaxed states to be destroyed by teenage girls.
• It's hot and I hate the heat.
• There is only a few more days before the whole stressful work and school routine begins again.
• Princess is not here and won't return until Monday when R1 and R2 bring her back. That was supposed to be tomorrow but we returned to a message requesting an extra day and we thought it would be somewhat surly to just pout NO because we miss her.
• My father is returning to the country from China for two weeks on Tuesday and I don't want to deal with his crap but know that I will.
• LB is stressed about the imminent stress of work.
• I'm ignoring the fact that I have to start looking for jobs in a few days.
• Maybe bad news for two of my favourite bloggers, vee and jay and notesfrom2moms. Am thinking of them all and cursing the world on their behalf. UPDATE: While the universe continues to suck for vee and jay (FUCK!), things seems much more positive for notesfrom2moms with a BFP! Go girls.
• Feeling a distinct lack of positivity and optimism for this cycle. For some reason, it just doesn't even feel like I'm in a TWW.
• Am freaked out by the stories we heard last night from three different lesbian couples about their fertility struggles. One gave up after years of anguish and debt and have just found out their foster son (who has been with them since 4m old) will be with them permanently. One couple had 2 years of trying, one hysterectomy then IVF for a number of cycles and now have a small daughter, and the others took a long long time to conceive their son, and then with major medical intervention. All happy endings but it just made me realise just how short our journey has been, even if it has been incredibly painful already. It made me think about just how far we may have to go.
• LB is at CD almost 60, 20 DPO, her temps remain remarkably high and FF is telling her it's time to test. She is exhausted, has sore boobs and feels sick a lot. It's just a damned shame that there is no possible way, excluding immaculate conception, that she could be pregnant! I hate that she feels so yucky for no apparent reason and there is very little I can do to fix that.
• Maria Sh.arapova won the Aus.tralian Open. My vehement dislike for her is something not even I can adequately explain.
  

Alrighty then. Time to stop whining. Maybe I'll be more positive tomorrow....

Three outta three in the green zone

Well, we managed three insems this time - although, the last one was in the car, and was highly unpleasant for Clark - we won't be doing that again.

Looks good timing wise - we're in the FF green zone. I think there's not much more that we could do. Fingers are crossed - now we have to live through the TWW worth of "symptoms" (which she's already started talking about!). Ovulation hasn't actually shown up on the chart yet, but should show up right on schedule given one more temp rise tomorrow.

I, on the other hand, have an extremely weird chart this cycle - am on CD53. Yes, 53. I have never been particularly regular, but now that we've started tracking its so painfully obvious. For more than one reason I'm glad that its Clark that is TTC, and not me.

This is the most imsems we've done in one cycle, and other than last month (and presuming that ovulation did occur when we thought it did), we've hit in the green zone in the most fertile period. Its a learning experience, but we seem to have the timing down better. So I'd say we have the best chance right now. Let's hope that it worked, then we won't need that appointment with the clinic.

We're sitting here, in the lovely peace and quiet of the B&B, with a couple of gay guys, discussing baby issues. It's kind of funny. Out of the three couples staying here, ALL of them are gay!!! It's awesome. Although the other lesbians are older and butcher and don't seem as nice - they've sequestered themselves in their room with their VB (yuck - the worst beer in history!), and we are having a good time without them.

One out of three

Mission accomplished. For last night anyway. And I woke up this morning with major ovulation pain so is looking good so far. Will probably inseminate again tonight (depending on OPKs) and definately tomorrow about lunch time. That's going to be an interesting one. J will be working so we'll go to the hospital where he works and do the deed in the car park! Now that would be an interesting conception story! :)

Am feeling very relaxed at the moment. Is lovely to just hang out with LB with no demands on our time. I like to be aimless (as she puts it). Crackers and lemonade and chocolate for breakfast in bed. But then I start to wonder about how the food I'm eating will impact on my fertility. But then I stop, and think that stressing is probably just making that worse....

Still not feeling very optimistic. Maybe just because I don't want to be disappointed again.

Tomorrow after we're finished with all the sperming up we're headed further south to a lovely BnB that we found last year. I love it there. Run by lovely lesbians, beautiful and isolated, amazing organic vegie food, the ultimate in decadent relaxation. Can't wait.

Weirdness and aimlessness

We're in location, and are waiting on J to call and arrange a meeting.

I hate this part! Its so awkward, and bizarre. He'll come over and we'll chat, awkwardly, although less so now that we know him a bit (after 5 tries, we should). Then we'll have to leave while he does his thing, then he'll have to leave while we do ours.

Its all just very yuck. Blech...

Clark has just bought some new lesbian parenting books, so she's busy reading, and I am trying to avoid having to watch Leyton Hewitt on the tv. Its people like him that contribute to me being ashamed to be Australian.

We've had a lazy day, just wandering around Sydney aimlessly. Well, we had two goals - to get some new Buffy comics (which we failed at as they seem to have completely run out of Season 8 number 8) and to go to the cinema to see Juno, which we did do. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, it was funny and insightful and a little quirky.

Its a weird feeling to have no fixed time commitments or constraints. I generally have to pack so much into my time that I rarely have time to be aimless.

Here we go again

We're back from our QLD holiday, even if briefly. The holiday was amazing. Princess showed great courage (as did her mothers!) and went on almost all of the big thrill rides - including the giant drop and tower of terror. There is no way I would have done that aged only 7! Was a proud moment for me. I love that she's not afraid of much, but even when she is, she's capable of working through it.

Princess has been delivered exhausted to R1 and R2 for a couple of nights who will then take her to her grandmother's for a week. LB and I are madly repacking for our next trip (for insemination and relaxation!) and cleaning the house in preparation for our lovely housesitter. It's amazing just how dirty the house looks when you imagine someone else living in it...

So we'll be inseminating again in a few days. Mon, Tues, Wed if possible. It's hard to tell what is going on with ovulation - but hopefully it will be tues or wed and we'll manage to time it right. I'm feeling very ambivalent about the whole process right now. 5 failed tries. Seems like forever, yet I know that it's barely anything in comparison to so many others out there. Despite that, I'm beginning to think that it's just not going to work, that it's not meant to be. So I'm heading into this cycle with very little optimism.

I'm also having major insecurity issues about LB and commitment. Is silly really, and I'm sure I'm driving her crazy with it all. When we were first together I had a great job that brought in a good income (although it was slowly killing me!). Now I'm practically unemployed and relying on her to support us. Sometimes it feels like we've just fell into this life, that LB hasn't really made any of the decisions that have shaped our lives, that she's just gone along with it all. I know logically that she loves us and wants to be here, wants PBX as much as I do, and is in this forever. But irrationally, I can't help but think that I don't deserve any of that so it can't be true. Ah I could ramble on about my many neuroses for hours but that would just be boring.

Today is going to be very full. After the mad cleaning and packing we have to brief S on caring for our menagerie, then we're going to Carnival Day (part of big gay festival here) with friends. After dinner we'll begin the trek back up north. Hoping to get some of the way tonight so we don't have to drive the full 10-11 hours tomorrow...

We'll probably have wireless access and our laptop while away so there may or may not be updates.

Holiday

LB, Princess and I have gone north!

We're in Queensland, gathering the courage for waterslides and crazy theme park rides... holidays are so much fun!

So no blogging for a week or two....

Abandonment

Clark and Princess have up and left me by myself. They've even taken my dog!

They've gone in search of better air-con and a pool - i.e. to C's mother's house - and I can't really blame them, as it was about 41C (nearly 106F) here today. And to make matters that much better, the aircon gave up the ghost at work today, right in the hottest part of the day. What a pleasant thing it is, to work in an old building in which the facilities die when they are taxed in the slightest. NOT.

So I am now sitting in front of our admittedly decent (if very loud) aircon at home, eating ice cream, and trying to finish up the work that it was too hard to concentrate on during the day. Or at least, procrastinating and not getting done what I need to get done.

I have performance reviews and development plans I need to complete by tomorrow. Its my first year as a real manager with all the trimmings (except the pay packet, although I did get a reasonable rise today as a matter of fact). And I'm finding the administrative part of it all a bit daunting. Never fear, my managers are very supportive, and I have the prospect of two whole weeks annual leave ahead of me, so I find myself maintaining my equanimity quite well, despite the circumstances.

Added to the whole TTC shebang, and the looming prospect of a rather horrible selection of subjects to study this year, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Hopefully, this holiday will be fun and relaxing and I will come back refreshed and rejuvenated. Hah. So often you come back from a trip more tired than you started out. But we can always hope.

But I should get back to my work...

I'm a feminist too...

I was reading over my epic blog yesterday and one sentence grated on me. I said that I define myself as a wife and mother.

That's not exactly true. I'm a lot of other things too. I am a fully qualified lawyer and am well on my way to being a psychologist too. I have spent the last two years caring for a number of babies and toddlers on some days, and on other days have helped tradesman negotiate decent working conditions. I have ambition and plans and am going to do a lot with this life of mine. But my number one priority is my family. That's what I meant. Without my family, the rest is meaningless.

And I'm a feminist. By that, I meant that I strongly believe that every woman should have the right and the ability and the opportunity to do with her life what she chooses to do. Whatever that may be. And that is what I am teaching my daughter, and the other little girls that I care for.

Isn't it interesting that a highly educated woman feels the need to justify her overwhelming focus on her family with all of her other achievements? The world is seriously screwed up. It really shows me how much femininity and motherhood are devalued when I even begin to do it myself....

Soul Searching

It's seems to be a pattern in TTC land. Somebody gets yet another BFN, or worse, and that prompts posts about our motivations for putting ourselves through this, our deepest fears and desires.

So now it's my turn.

I already have an amazing daughter who I adore. Why is she not enough? I think the answer to that one is about LB and I. Princess is my daughter. She was almost 4 when LB came to live with us. I went through conception, pregnancy, birth, infancy and toddlerhood alone with Princess as a single parent (albeit with a haphazard inconsistent father figure along for the ride when it suited his schedule). I finished law school as a single parent with a two year old (and a 16 year old sister who couldn't possibly live at home with our father anymore). All while suffering quite severe depression. It was hard and stressful and difficult. Oh there was joy and laughter, every time I looked at Princess. But my memories of that time are so tied up in all the pain and stress and depression. And LB wasn't there to view the wonder of Princess as she grew inside me, as she was born, as she learned her first words or took her first steps. Princess and I had nobody to share all that with.

I want a joyful conception. I want to be excited when I find out I'm pregnant. I want to experience the growing of OUR child inside me and share the anticipation. I want pregnancy and childbirth without all the ugliness of the first time around. I want to share all of this with the person who I love. I want LB to experience all of the greatness of having a baby. I want her to see her child growing in my belly, I want her to feel him or her kick, I want her to experience that overwhelming love of the first moment after birth as she is the first to hold her child. I want her to experience infancy and toddlerhood and all the amazing things that those times bring. I feel like she has really missed out by not being there with us when Princess was growing.

The relationship between LB and Princess is conflicted. I think there is resentment from both sides at having to share me. LB loses patience quickly and just doesn't understand just how completely besotted I am with my child. Our child actually. Although LB wasn't there at the start, four 4 years now, she has been Princess's parent despite her misgivings, uncertainty and feeling a bit lost about it all. Far more so than her other biological parent has ever been, and ever will be. They adore each other through the bickering and impatience. I see this when they think I'm not looking. When I'm not around, they have a wonderful time. Some of my favourite memories of the past couple of years are when I've been left to sleep in and wake up to hear their conversations. And when it comes to the practical side of parenting, LB is there every step of the way. Night waking, tending a repeatedly sick child, cleaning up vomit, seeing doctors, going to emergency at the children's hospital, dealing with multiple food allergies, making lunches (and dinners and breakfasts), bathing, dressing, shopping for clothes, doing reading and projects for school, going to parent teacher interviews, ferrying to play dates and sleep overs and tae kwon do. You name it she's there.

A part of me thinks that LB's insecurity as a parent comes from having missed those first years. That she's feel better about herself and her role if she's there from the start. That she'll finally recognise that she is a wonderful mother, when she wants to be, when she relaxes. I don't think that biology is a major factor in this, but maybe I'm wrong. And the law definitely is a huge deal. LB will never have any legal connection to Princess. Princess has a mother and a father, and there is no room for a third parent without her father giving up parental rights (which he won't) and adoption (which is illegal for gay people here).

I worry so much about Princess if something should happen to me. The assumption would be that she would go to her father. But he's never ever cared for her for more than 3 days at a time (and that was just once - usually is just fri, sat nights every second week). And even then he forgets what she is allergic to, doesn't give her her medicine, gets her to school late (on the rare occasion she's there on a school night), doesn't put her to bed on time... the list goes on. He's even taken off for extended overseas trips three times in her life, one of them for a whole year. I would want Princess to stay with her mother LB. Who has been there every day of her life for the last four years. Half her life now. So we have wills and powers of attorney and have discussed the issue with our parents and friends. Just haven't had the courage to bring it up with R1 yet. Am not sure how he'd take it. We know we have to do this and will eventually.

So that brings me back to PBX. Another baby, Princess's biological halfsibling, would be a tie between Princess and LB. It would be harder for Princess to be taken away if her sibling lived with LB. And LB will be a legal parent to PBX as the laws in our state are due to change mid year.

I once said to a therapist when discussing my desire to have another baby - I don't want to live my whole life without ever doing anything else extraordinary. I define myself as a wife and mother. Yes I have a couple of degrees, and am working on more, I will one day have a job that I am proud of, I have an identity outside my family. But ultimately, my crowning achievements in life are LB and Princess. I think that I am a good mother despite all the difficulties I have faced, that LB and I are good parents and are raising Princess well. My family is everything to me. I just want to add to that.

And somehow, I think that we would be more of a family if we had our own child together, as stupid as that sounds.

Waterslides, here i come!

CD1. Crap.

Although I had all but given up as soon as i saw the BFNs. Although temps remained high until this morning, I started spotting last night and then knew for sure that it was all over. Again.

LB is bummed. Probably more than I am, which is unusual.

So now begins the usual cycle of recriminations. Why isn't it working? Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever be able to pull this off? Why must my body betray me so thoroughly by fabricating so many symptoms. Why must I be fooled by that every time?

But we have a plan. Insemination next month will be far easier to organise. LB and I will be on holiday, so we'll just go spend the week somewhere near J. And maybe do multiple insems with less rushing around. And then the month after that, we will finally be able to go to a clinic and get some help with all this.

Stark White Circles

another BFN. We temped this morning, and my temp rose (which it has never done before at this stage in my cycle). Thinking that this was a good sign, along with all the other things going on, I thought that testing first thing in the morning might show something, anything. But no.

So I'm exhausted but can't sleep, my breasts are incredibly sore, i'm vague as hell, and i feel kind of tingly in my breasts and abdomen, my sense of smell (and maybe taste) are increased. All good signs. I feel like I could be pregnant. But all maybe just fabricated by my overactive imagination.

15DPO. Cycle Day 31. My cycle usually hovers around 30 days, but i have recorded a 32 and a 34 in the past.

I'm going to try to go back to sleep. Probably to dream about stark white circles.

Impatience

Clark is a banana, who can't wait for things in good time.

She finally cracked and couldn't stand it any more, and POAS. What a surprise, a BFN.

Not only are we only just on 14DPO, but its late at night and 37C here, which means lots and lots of water through the day.

And also, she has a bad history for home tests. With her first pregnancy, she didn't ever get a +ve home test at all. And there's now a reasonably healthy almost 8yo to prove that wrong. The pregnancy was confirmed by blood test at around 7 weeks. So I'm almost certain the same will happen.

It all comes down to watching the temps and getting her period. Or not, as the case may be.

I'm not sure how many tests there are in the house, but I'm sure they'll all be used by the time I get home from work tomorrow. She's just that kind of person.

looking at silver lining... just in case.

temp dropped again this morning - but only a very small amount. I'm beginning to be disillusioned and am preparing myself for disappointment. I just don't want to be crushed again. LB is a bit exasperated with me I think. This morning she left the house for work with the words.. 'Fine, be pessimistic if you want to, but I won't be'.

So the silver lining. We're taking Princess on a holiday to Queensland on the 12th. We're going to theme parks. If I'm pg, there will be no rides and waterslides for me. So If I'm not, at least I'm going to have a week of fun with my girls! And after that week, LB and I are going to drop Princess off with her grandparents and then go away somewhere to reconnect, just the two of us. Problem is, until we know if we've been successful or not, we can't make any plans... cos that week falls right on when I'd be ovulating. So If we failed this month, we need to go to Sydney to see J, then find somewhere nearby to hole up and relax. It's only about a 10 hour drive away! Our plan in the alternative is to find some charming quiet BnB close by to Princess's grandparents to cut out the driving. Either way, we get to have a week to ourselves, with no working, no demands, no house to clean (which I'm studiously ignoring right now). YAY!

I'm taking Princess to the naturopath this morning. Need to get to the bottom of her allergies and intolerances and skin conditions and constant chest infections......

starting to lose hope - charts

my temp has starting dropping, even if only slightly. my beautiful chart is starting to look less beautiful:

should know in the next couple of days. i'm not going to test (though thanks for the comment that made us both laugh out loud vee!) because i'm so afraid of that white square.

And another thing

We think that LB ovulated in the last couple of days, even though FF hasn't observed that yet. But she had a major temp dip and fertile CM while I was ovulating nearly two weeks ago (she has a major long cycle).

Weird and Fascinating and Freaky.

Update: LB did ovulate on Monday according to FF - but that still doesn't explain the random signs of ovulation and fertility when I definitely was.

Daring to hope

It's 12 DPO and I'm experiencing some symptoms:

• Major Skin break out (but that could have been all the junk at christmas before we cracked down on diet),
• Incredibly sore breasts (I have to keep asking Princess to be careful and trying to explain why just prompted a whole discussion on menstrual cycles - without the possible pregnancy bit though)
• Increased awareness of my body
• Extreme fatigue (but that could be the extreme heat - above 42 degrees (that's about 105 F) for the last three days
  

Also good things on my chart:

• Spotting on DPO 10 (New Year's Eve too!)
• Temperature dip on DPO 9 then return to higher temps on next day.
• Temps staying high (so far)

So we're cautiously optimistic. But from experience, my body is extremely good at fooling us, making us all excited about the possibility, then letting us down in a huge blow of disappointment.

There's other weird things too - LB says i smell different, i've coped far better with the heat that i usually would (especially given we were camping in a tent by the river for the worst of it), and am just feeling laid back and vague and relaxed. But that all could just be due the fact that i've now had almost two weeks holidays, for the first time in 2 years....

So many possible symptoms, so many alternative explanations. I hate the second guessing of the TWW. And i really hate waiting. My period is supposedly due on Sunday. That's 4 days away. FF says not to test until the 9th - that's a whole week away. I wonder if I can resist the temptation to test for that long.... It's so conflicted though. I want to test for the small possibility that it might show the coveted two lines, but I really don't want to see that horrible white expanse that means that it's all over again for another month....