We've made the move

Well, we've at least started. I've uploaded the blog, and am in the process of fixing things up.

Change your bookmarks and blog rolls to pbxmakesfour.wordpress.com

Wordpress has different functionality, some good, some not so good.

So its a work in progress so far, be nice...

My adorable Lazyboo

She has been looking after me so well. She's working really hard at the moment, but comes home every night and cooks for us all, cleans up and make sure Princess has everything she needs for school, has done her homework, is bathed and in bed on time. She bakes me things when I really want them. She fetches stuff for me all the time when I just can't possibly move anymore. I was going to visit a friend today who has a small baby and I had offered to take lunch, so LB made a delicious pot of dahl for us late last night.

We have been reading updates on weeny beany and this week's update said that the ears are completely formed. So last night, Mama Boo (she really just wants to be called Boo but I'm still coming around to dropping the mama bit completely!) started to read to weeny beany. She rested her head on my thighs and started to read the Australian children's classic Snugglepot and Cuddlepie. She plans to do this every night.

We have long been discussing getting a civil union (cos while it's not available in Australia, I'm a British citizen and as such can do it that way at the Embassy). We had even discussed doing it when I was about 3 months pregnant, having a big party and announcing the pregnancy to everyone there. But that is coming up very quickly and we just haven't got organised for it, and we can't really afford it right now. But last night, Lazyboo announced that we absolutely have to be civilly joined (is that even how you say it?) before the baby is born. Very cute and chivalrous I think. She doesn't want our baby to be illegitimate!

I love my Lazyboo so much.
And I can't wait until I'm one step closer to being able to call her my wife.

Countdown

We saw our doctor again this morning. All was good, she smiled indulgently at all the questions and answered them all very patiently. She did say, however, that she thinks that pregnant women need at least 12 pillows by the time they give birth! Apparently pillows solve all problems from reflux to shortness of breath to morning sickness. I hope they also help with the needed to pee constantly, but I'm not holding out hope for that.

We have a date for the first ultrasound! April 4. Just under a month. So now the countdown begins until then when we can 1. see weeny beany for the first time and 2. finally tell Princess! I'll be over 12 weeks then so will be happy for the world to know. But between you and me, I think she knows, or at least suspects, anyway. The biggest indication of this : she had a friend over yesterday and they were playing maternity hospitals with her polly pockets! And she keeps asking to look at baby name books. Ostensibly to find names for her dolls and teddies, but I'm not so sure about that....

So I guess all will be reasonably quiet around here until April - i have to get blood tests mid March, then the scan on 4 April, then our first hospital appointment on 9 April. Will all be happening then. And I can't wait. Maybe all of that will help it all seem a bit less surreal.

In the meantime, I'm starting a new job (just a casual one, still waiting to hear from dream job about which I am heaps conflicted), we will celebrate Princess's 8th birthday, including a sleepover for 8 little girls (! help!), Easter, though that will be fairly boring this year given that Princess and I can't eat chocolate and finally, two weeks school holidays ALREADY! So the next month should go fairly quickly.

In other news, we had a parent teacher interview with Princess's teacher this morning and it went super well. The teacher is amazing and our Princess is a whole different kid this year. She's bright and confident and happy and enthusiastic and strong and more independent than ever. It's amazing the difference a great teacher can make. I also think that the vast improvements in Princess' health, caused mainly by our wonderful naturopath, have a lot to do with it. She has so much energy and is so healthy now. Such a relief and lovely for us to see. We no longer have to worry about her getting sick every second week. In fact, last week, all of her friends got sick and missed some school, but she didn't even get a sniffle! What a change.

Lazyboo and I are still arguing about names, as I'm sure we will until the very last moment. Girl's name is very settled. For a boy, we have two alternatives. I've come back to the first idea but LB is stuck on the second now. I want to share them with fellow bloggers for their opinions but there are people that we know in real life who do read this sometimes and we don't want to share with them! We're seriously thinking of switching to Word Press solely for password protected posts. More on that later.

And to finish with a new list of symptoms:

• shortness of breath, sometimes I feel like I can't get enough air
  
• build up of thick sticky mucus in the back of my nose and throat
• almost constant nausea, but especially around cooking smells
• the sight and smell of any processed meats makes me go green
• uncontrollable desire to eat hot chips
• intermittent fatigue - am loving having nana naps.
  
• peeing constantly
• enormous breasts. it's just crazy. and boy do they hurt.
• amazing sensitivity to smells. I could work for customs.
• increasing vagueness and forgetfulness. this morning while doing Princess' hair for school I did one side in a piggy tail and the other in a plait before I realised.
• a smile that is hard to wipe off my face whenever I think of weeny beany - this is actually happening!

It seems that there are so many blogging women in the TWW right now and I am so excited for everyone! Crossing fingers and baby dust to Tiff and K., Vee and Jay, J. and S.K-C, Sarah and Angi, and Chips and Ducks. Sorry if I've forgotten anyone. As I commented somewhere, I have declared this Lesbian Bloggers Fertility Month. So I am looking forward to 5 (or more) BFPs in the next week or so!

The night from hell and necessary life changes

I'm surprised that we survived last night (and before anybody starts stressing, we are all ok and i'm just going to be a bit melodramatic now).

I was being a little silly yesterday and was riding Princess's scooter along the street. Of course I hit a bump and went down hard. Am now bruised and grazed like a little kid and both LB and I spent some time stressing about jolts to Weeny Beany and how bad timing it is given the approaching 8 week mark (tomorrow) and our doc telling us that 4, 8 and 12 weeks are the biggest danger periods. But all seems to be ok fortunately apart from aching muscles and being reminded just how much grazed knees and elbows hurt. Princess will get much more sympathy next time she does it (cos that's fairly frequent!)

Our neighbours clearly went away again leaving their incredibly annoying teenagers to throw another party. Extremely bad, excessively loud music from 7pm to 1am. Shrieking, Laughing, Shouting, Swearing and generally being overly loud until 3.30am. All just beside our bedroom wall. I was nearly passed out from exhaustion at 7pm but due to their noise did not get to sleep until after 1am. I can still feel the bass pounding in my head. And poor LB, who was just starting to feel a bit better, didn't sleep at all until after 3. And then our crazy cat decides that 4.42 is a good time to poo on the floor right next to my side of the bed. I don't think I have ever smelt anything so bad. So I proceeded to cover my head with a pillow to disguise both the stench and the light (although my eyes seemed to be completely glued shut and unable to be opened anyway) and my lovely long suffering LB had to get up and clean it up. And then the bloody teenagers next door were up again before 8 noisily cleaning up bottles, no doubt to clear the scene before the return of their parents. GRUMP!

At least Princess slept through the whole thing, miraculously. She woke at about 7.30, LB told her to read a book in bed until 9 and come to ask for breakfast but she clearly got engrossed in the story because she didn't reappear until after 10.30. She then told us that she had heard the music as she was trying to go to sleep but sang to herself, 'Red and Yellow and Green and Blue, I can sing a rainbow' while clutching her teddy bears and was able to sleep! Must try that one. Very cute stuff.

I have decided that we need to make some life changes. We should become nudists, sleep on japanese tatami mats and only eat raw food. This will then prevent the alarming build up of dirty dishes, clothes and bedding. For some reason, LB didn't think this was a good idea though...

There are good things though:

• Princess has spent the entire weekend building a magical kingdom of polly pockets and doll's house figures in her bedroom and has only really emerged to be very cute, ask for food and go to a birthday party (cos she still has a much better social life than ours). This has allowed LB and I to languish in our exhaustion and successfully, at least until now, ignore all of the things that need to be done.
• Lazyboo just brought me a great snack cos I was feeling sick (again!) Corn crackers with sliced tomato (no mean feat given all we had left was a few shriveled baby romas) and a pickle (yes I know it's a terrible stereotype but they're yummy all of a sudden!)
• She is now preparing to make me gluten free dairy free gingerbread because I bought some (standard stuff so not edible by me!) for the little guys I hang out with on Tuesdays and have been going on about it ever since.
• There is a weeny beany growing in my belly! That never ceases to make us smile, no matter how crappy things are being. I'm actually wearing maternity cargo pants today (what a find!). Not because I need to, but because I want to!

In other pregnancy related news, we have another appointment with the doc on thursday when we will tell her that we do want to have the 13 week scan (and not wait until 20 weeks to actually see the baby!). And I'm going to ask if it's possible to try and listen for a heartbeat then. I feel like I need some proof of a baby in there, and confirmation that this isn't all some strange dream. We have our first hospital appointment on 9 April, which is about 13 weeks and seems forever away.

Did anybody see that truck....

that must have hit me while I slept?

I have fully succumbed to the all encompassing exhaustion of early pregnancy. I hope the Weeny Beany is growing big because I feel completely squashed. And nauseous all of the time. Or ravenously hungry. Or both. All adds up to naps as often as humanly possible. Princess even said to me this morning, 'Mum, why are you tired ALL of the time? Why do you sleep SOOO much?' with all of the expression of a melodramatic pre-teen (yes I know she's not quite 8 yet, but believe me that description really does fit). I can't wait until I can really explain it! We've decided to wait until we have our 13 week scan to tell her. We're going to bring her with us, but not tell her what is happening, and just let her see. And then take her out for lunch for a serious debrief! So looking forward to that - but it's still about 5 weeks away!

Things have been tumultuous as usual around here.

Lazyboo isn't well. She is as exhausted as I am and without any good reason. I'm really worried about her. She saw our new wonderful doctor yesterday and this morning went for a battery of tests so hopefully they will come up with some answers. It's all a bit hard for her at the moment because I'm so frequently completely useless, and I'm at classes in the late afternoons/evenings a fair bit and she has to pick up the slack and keep the whole family running. And she's just not coping with that given her health. I just wish that I could do something to make it all better. I am trying hard, though, to not be so needy and pathetic and to just deal with some of the crapness that this joyful time is bringing so not to be such a burden. I'm not sure that my efforts are making much difference though.

My job finally came to an end last week. I applied for two jobs - one of them my dream job. But I had no expectation of actually getting either of them so enrolled in full time study again. Classes started on Monday, and it's been a logistical nightmare with late enrolment, scheduling and actually getting into classes.

Then on Monday, I got an email in response to one of the jobs saying I had been shortlisted and they would be in touch in the next couple of weeks.

Then on Tuesday, I got a phone call from the dream job place to arrange an interview. I had that interview yesterday and it went incredibly well. I so want that job! It will mean having to change my uni enrolment again, and shuffle everything around quite a bit, and dealing with Princess' insecurity about me working outside of the home again meaning I won't have time for her, but I still want it so bad! They said it will be a couple of weeks before they make any decisions so am waiting. I didn't tell them that I am pg, so in the very slim chance that I do get it, I will have to face that ethical dilemma....

To top it all off, I sent an email to the scheme that I was contracted to the last couple of years for reference purposes, and they replied with a job offer! Not doing what I was doing, but supervising those that do what I used to do, if that makes any sense! It would only be casual, but would fit perfectly with my increased study load and give us some extra cash. Which would be useful given our extreme lack of funds at the moment! All of sudden there are many potential options.

But all I want to do is sleep. Which I'm going to do now because i've only got just over an hour before I have to pick up Princess from school (for the first time this week!)

Sometimes I wish life would just be boring.

Tagged!

I was tagged by mrs bluemont. Wow! i feel like one of the cool kids.

Rules:

1. Grab the nearest book of 123 pages or more.
2. Open it to page 123.
3. Find the first 5 sentences and write them down.
4. Then invite 5 friends to do the same.

I'm lying in bed right now (cos at the moment it just seems so hard to not be here unless i absolutely need to be somewhere else) and I have a huge stack of books on my bed side table, all half read, cos I tend to get bored easily. So of course, I had to check page 123 of all of them to find the most interesting five lines and this is it:

"Dorothy Gale, a visitor to Oz, copes well with the vagaries of the land. This is due mainly to her stable upbringing by her aunt and uncle. Although she is disturbed to be alone in a foreign place, she interracts appropriately with each person she meets. For example, when people treat her well, she is polite and kind, but when she experiences rudeness or unfairness, she stands up for herself and maintains strong personal boundaries (very much in the way that Alice does when visiting Wonderland - see p. 30). She is able to use sound cognitive reasoning to overcome many of the obstacles she faces."

It's from Tigger on the Couch: The neuroses, psychoses, disorders and maladies of our favourite childhood characters by Laura James. This is one of the many books that I just had to have when trawling through countless bookshops in Sydney the week that Weeny Beany was conceived. It's fascinating really (I'm such a nerd), but I've stalled out somewhere between Piglet's Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Goldilocks' Antisocial Personality Traits.

Now I tag Plump, Owl from Enough Grows, Notesfrom2Moms, Tiff from Chronicles of Conception and J.K-C from Our Incredible True Adventures.

Weeny Beany

Today we acquired both a new name, and a new grandparent for PBX, both deriving from the same source.

Clark and I had lunch today with C's mum and a friend of hers, who is fighting breast cancer. We had already told C's mum (Princess' Nanny S) about PBX, and given that the friend is someone who we see infrequently, and who has no contact with our social circle - such as it is - that it would be safe to also tell her.

By the end of the lunch, it was decided that - given that she had no grandchildren of her own, nor were any looking to be forthcoming any time soon - that she would be another grandmother for PBX - Nanna K. We believe that a child can never have too many grandparents in its life to a) spoil them and b) babysit, so are perfectly happy with this arrangement.

Nanna K, then proceeded throughout the meal to refer to the children as 1 1/2, and when I said that PBX wasn't really a half yet, its really only about the size of a bean, then she coined the name Weeny Beany. We like it! Its staying. Its cuter and easier to say than PBX.

On a related note, Clark informed me the other day that she didn't like the boys name we had agreed on. Yes, sad but true, we had laboriously picked out names - one of each - for PBX, before it was even conceived. And I mean laboriously. It has been a real challenge. Princess has a unique and original name, and we wanted PBX - or I should now say Weeny Beany - to have something equally unique, but that would stand the test of time and not be too teaseworthy. Clark is now arguing with me as I write, and saying its not that she doesn't like it, she's worried about teasing. BS I say to that! She's already knocked me back once on this name, when we were deciding on a new family surname. Now she's doing it again! It's alright though, I'll get it in as a middle name if its the last thing I do.

We've (no I've) come up with another one that we both like - and so far - agree on, although Clark is proving fickle in her pregnancy to date, and that may change at a moment's notice. The girls name is from Greek mythology, and the boys is from Norse mythology. So reasonably unique, at least not in popular circulation. Neither name appears in the top 1000 most popular names ever according to the Baby Name Wizard NameVoyager. But at the same time not unheard of. I Googled the boys name today and came across references to several people with the name, so it is in use. Also just did the same for the girls name - its in use, but even less common than the boys.

So we're good to go on the names. At this stage...

Sympathetic Symptoms

My family is amazing. I may be the one with a tiny being in my belly, but they are joining me in my suffering:

Princess has been feeling sick constantly and has even thrown up a couple of times. And she doesn't even know about PBX (though I'm sure she suspects cos we talk about it ALL the time!)

LB has a sore back, is completely exhausted and tells me that today she nearly threw up at work, and she's suffering badly from acid reflux.

As for me, a lot of nausea but no vomiting (going for a second vomit free pregnancy!), reflux, intermittent fatigue... nothing too serious at all. Apart from the atomic titties that is - I certainly don't remember THIS from last time!

What to do?

My job is over as of this week. This was expected but still bad timing and I'm still grumpy about it.

There are two big issues with this. Because our government refuses to recognise same-sex couples, I'm classified as a single parent and receive benefits. We rely on that money (though we'd give it up in a second for some recognition!). They've recently changed the laws so now that Princess is 7 I have to either study full time or work at least 30 hours per fortnight in order to continue to receive the payments. The bottom line is, LB and I cannot afford for me to not only be not working, but not receiving payments either. I can't wait for the day when I'm able to work full time in a job that I love and not have to rely on welfare. But I am grateful that it is available to us.

So the last few days LB and I have been going over the options. Looking for a job seems like an insurmountable task right now - I'm just so exhausted. And if I do manage to get an interview, do I tell them that I can only do the job for about 7 months? I feel like a fraud if I don't, but know that nobody will hire me if I tell them that.

So last week, I did a little internet job searching. And I found a couple of things. One quite serviceable seemingly interesting job at my old Uni. Another one at my current uni in the library which seems like it might be an interesting thing to do for a while. And then I found my perfect job. The job that I have gone back to Uni to become qualified for. And from the ad, it seems that I'm already qualified for it (just missing a short 5 day course that the company offers themselves). So I think I'm going to apply for it anyway. If, and it's a big if, my application gets anywhere, I face that dilemma again. Do I tell or don't I? And then if I actually luck out and get it, I've got my perfect job that I will only be able to keep for a short time.....

So LB and I have also been talking about my going back to Uni full time. My current course is only a part time course, and I need to complete this year before I can move on to anything else. So I'm going to investigate doing a couple of extra subjects that aren't necessary for my qualification, but would be useful in my future career, to bring my load up to full time. That would still be much easier for me than working full time, or at all (!), and Princess would not have to go to Before and After School Care programs that I hate so much, and full time study and pregnancy is something I've succeeded at before.

I hate all this uncertainty. I just want to be able to cruise for the next 34 weeks (cos I'm 6 weeks today!) without having to be stressed about all this stuff. Just wish that we were independently wealthy!

Our first appointment

Off to the GPs this afternoon, for our first appointment post BFP. We had seen her two cycles ago, and she greeted us today with "So have you come to tell me you're pregnant?" As Clark just mentioned, it would have sucked if we hadn't, but as a matter of fact, yes we had.

She was very supportive and listed some basic first options, and talked about the optional "early" scan. I had thought that two to three ultrasound scans were par for the course, but apparently only the 20 week scan is indicated (and therefore free). You can, however, have a scan at 13 weeks which is basically a check for Down Syndrome. Given that Clark is only 30, the chance of the baby having Downs is only 1 in 800, so I'm thinking the additional expense is not necessary.

On the flip side, we had semi-discussed using that first scan as a way of telling Princess about the pregnancy - you can't get much more immediate gratification than that. So we'll see how we go with that one.

Chips, in regards to the GP's opinion on complementary therapies and further to Clark's comment, her stance was that she doesn't know much about it. She didn't have a negative opinion, the only thing she mentioned was that she would recommend not taking unnecessary medications.

I personally think that as long as you are confident that your practitioner (be they a chiropractor, masseuse, acupuncturist, naturopath or whatever) has plenty of experience with pregnant women, then it will be alright. Asian women have been having babies for millennia with eastern therapies - I think there must be something valuable to be taken from that. But if anyone has any opinions on that they want to share, please do for our sake as well as Chips'. There is so much misinformation out there, I think its important to understand where everyone is coming from, especially those who have been through it all before.

All in all, I think the appointment went very well. She was very informative. She actually is part of a shared care program, which would mean that we could potentially go see her locally for our regular checkups, rather that having to wait at the hospital each time. In other good news, the Women's hospital is undergoing a relocation and should be brand new and sparkling in time for the arrival of PBX.

So it seems that all systems are go. My main and lingering concern is the law. Our state government is supposed, mid this year sometime, to be removing a whole swathe of discriminatory legislation. This will mean that I will be able to be named as PBX's parent officially on the birth certificate. So I have everything crossed in the hopes that the changes happen in time. It can get nasty, I understand, when you fail to list a father, as it stands.

I have little to no faith in our political system. Lets hope that I am pleasantly surprised. Kevin has validated himself already, with Kyoto and the apology. Come on Brumby.

Sorry

Our Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd's speech:

"Today we honour the Indigenous peoples of this land, the oldest continuing cultures in human history.

We reflect on their past mistreatment.

We reflect in particular on the mistreatment of those who were Stolen Generations - this blemished chapter in our nation's history.

The time has now come for the nation to turn a new page in Australia's history by righting the wrongs of the past and so moving forward with confidence to the future.

We apologise for the laws and policies of successive Parliaments and governments that have inflicted profound grief, suffering and loss on these our fellow Australians.

We apologise especially for the removal of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children from their families, their communities and their country.

For the pain, suffering and hurt of these Stolen Generations, their descendants and for their families left behind, we say sorry.

To the mothers and the fathers, the brothers and the sisters, for the breaking up of families and communities, we say sorry.

And for the indignity and degradation thus inflicted on a proud people and a proud culture, we say sorry.

We the Parliament of Australia respectfully request that this apology be received in the spirit in which it is offered as part of the healing of the nation.

For the future we take heart; resolving that this new page in the history of our great continent can now be written.

We today take this first step by acknowledging the past and laying claim to a future that embraces all Australians.

A future where this Parliament resolves that the injustices of the past must never, never happen again.

A future where we harness the determination of all Australians, Indigenous and non-Indigenous, to close the gap that lies between us in life expectancy, educational achievement and economic opportunity.

A future where we embrace the possibility of new solutions to enduring problems where old approaches have failed.

A future based on mutual respect, mutual resolve and mutual responsibility.

A future where all Australians, whatever their origins, are truly equal partners, with equal opportunities and with an equal stake in shaping the next chapter in the history of this great country, Australia."

It's about time. Today the shame I feel at being a white Australian is somewhat lessened.

OMG I'm actually pregnant

It's starting to hit me. About the same time as the extreme vagueness, persistent nausea, dizziness and fatigue. There's actually a baby in there (somewhere under all that fat!).

Princess has gone for a daddy weekend which is a good thing while we get our heads around this new development. It's funny that we've wanted this for so long, but now it's here, it's still a little scary.

We had a beautiful day yesterday. LB had previously banned me (cos I'm a ridiculous emotional shopper for anything but clothes for me) from buying, or even looking too much, at baby things. So we went on a trek yesterday to find a Baby T.arget. I remember having such a good time in those places when expecting Princess. So the internet told us that there is one in Werribee and one in Preston. Neither places that are desirable places to go for any other reason! We trekked across (minimum 30 minute drive!) to Preston only to find that it had closed down. Thwarted! But then we bizarrely ran into a friend and proceeded to have a great catch up and lunch with her. And we just had to tell her! Who would have thought the going to Preston was such a good idea! Especially given that our other friends who live there (with their adorable 5 m old son) weren't around to visit. So then we trekked to Werribee. Almost an hour from Preston, half an hour from home. No Baby T.arget there either. It clearly wasn't meant to be. We did however visit a few other shops and finally bought some very cute things for our PBX. And now I'm not allowed to get anything else for a while (it's a good thing that one of us is sensible!)



While down there, we decided to drop in on some other friends, who we haven't seen in at least 15 months. Before the whole TTC began. They have an 18 month old and are expecting their second in August. And of course we just had to tell again! Just can't keep our mouths shut. So nice to hang out with them and their adorable girl and talk babies without any of that jealousy and resentment clouding it all.

So much for not telling! LB doesn't want to tell anyone (else!), including Princess, until 12 weeks. I'm a lot more conflicted about it, mainly because I can't keep a secret to save myself! And I especially hate excluding Princess from this. It's been awful during the whole TTC process for that reason, but it was just not sensible to let her in on it. And now, the situation is pretty much that if we tell her, the whole world will know. And I'm not quite ready for the whole world to know.... Anyone got any ideas on this?

This morning I woke up feeling awful so just plugged in to catch up on blogs. While I wasn't looking, LB tidied the entire house! I turned around after about half an hour and the house that formerly looked like a bomb had hit it is now pristinely tidy. And she's making pancakes now! Thank you all for your lovely comments, they do so make us smile. So I have been keeping up with all your blogs, even though I haven't been commenting... A summary of my thoughts:

• Vee and Jay - am hoping so hard that this is your time. Paramedic sperm has got to be good right! Sending virtual babydust.
  
• Owl and Pcat - sorry to hear about the doctor dramas - is so hard to find a decent one in this city. And well done for succeeding with the big girl bed! Yay for 2008 babies indeed!
  
• Mrs Bluemont - good luck with the upcoming insems. Thinking fertile thoughts for you.
• Tiff - missed opportunities are so hard to deal with. :( I'm looking forward to more of your thoughts.
• Renee (and Janice) - i hope that you have had the opportunity to talk and that you both feel better about things.
  
• Notesfrom2moms - i'm already feeling the pressure! and it's nice that we're only about a week apart and can do this together.
• And Chips - hang in there until test day! hoping yours is as much fun as mine was.
  

And as for my Anonymous commenter - I know who you are! And we don't all have fresh sperm on tap like you (in the form of a husband) AND get lucky on the first try! :P

Today we're going to start to tackle the challenges of gluten free dairy free pregnancy nutrition (cos potato gems and pancakes for breakfast probably isn't a good long term plan). Can't ever do anything the easy way.

Two pink lines

I think this really speaks for itself. 5.30 temp call, temp was still up. POAS produced the two coveted pink lines.

Even though quite exhausted, Clark and I have been lying awake since then, being periodically ecstatic and then hashing details such as when we can get to the doctors, when should we tell people.

Clark is now happily reading the pregnancy books that we acquired, and we are marvelling at the conflicted opinions of what to avoid and what's good for you...

We're having a baby! PBX is now Pre-BX.

CD32

My period is due today. My last two cycles have been 32 days, the ones before all shorter.
I'm so damned nervous. Can't focus on anything, can't sit still, my stomach is churning.

Temps are still way higher than usual.

I'm think I'm going insane.

If AF hasn't showed up by tomorrow morning, we're going to test. At 5:30am, cos that's when we temp and we just can't wait any longer! It's killing me to wait until then. But I'm just so scared of getting a negative.

The chart

inconclusive, but still higher than usual at this stage. AF due today or tomorrow.


and sorry, mrs bluemont, but we're not going to test until at least friday! early tests have only led to much disappointment in the past and i want to postpone that as long as possible.

Hurry up and wait

Phantom symptoms? Or the real deal?

- Tender, denser breasts
- Heartburn
- Periodic nausea
- Fatigue
- Vagueness
- Elevated temperature
- Spotting last week
- CD30 and no AF

Its all adding up to some good news, or some pretty extraordinary imaginary symptoms.

Chart is looking good. Temp has stayed high and has risen even higher this morning. No sign of a drop at this stage. And AF would be due today, tomorrow or Thursday. And no usual telltale temp drop.

So I'm actually feeling a little bit hopeful that Clark may actually be pregnant this time. Through the generalised cloud of despondency I'm finding myself in at the minute. Source unknown.

Sixth time lucky, perhaps.

Triplets

I babysat 12 month old triplets last night. They are amazing kids and I am filled with admiration for their parents. Just being with those babies, settling them when they cried, holding them while they smiled and giggled was like a balm for my soul.

I was brooding when I arrived (see previous post!) but within a short time of being there, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Here were two people who faced great adversity to have their children, only to deal with the shock of three at once. They do it with such dignity and enthusiasm and joy. Those children are so secure and loved and beautiful. It just reminded me that there is justice in the world.

Once they were all asleep (with little effort on my part), I settled in to watch some tv and felt a bit wierd in my lower abdomen. When I went to the bathroom there was blood. And quite a bit of it. So I panicked. It was only DPO 10 and a whole week before my period was due. What the hell was happening? I called LB, who was at the time trying to feed and bathe and get our daughter to bed, who calmed me down with the simple words (or something to this effect) 'What will be will be. We just have to wait and see'. And the bleeding stopped.

Maybe this was the fabled implantation spotting that I've heard about (nothing at all like the other times I've thought I may have had spotting!). Add that to the crushing exhaustion, continued high temps, tender breasts, dizziness and occasional nausea I have right now and things look good. But I think I am philosophical enough to know that my body is incredibly talented at fooling me, as it has done with many of these same 'symptoms' in the past 8 months. Is very hard to stop the brain racing though....

Our intention is not to test until Friday. That's a whole 6 days away!

So not fair.

So now my sister is pregnant again. Her daughter, who I am not allowed to see, is only 15 months old. And she's married to a thug. And she's not particularly happy about this new baby. My mother told me all of this, obviously, as she won't speak to me anymore for sticking up for my family.

The injustice is horrifying, and now I'm all depressed because more than likely, I'm not pregnant. And I'm sad that she's going to have another child that I'm not going to know.

Baby boom

I'm addicted to news and gossip sites. (and increasingly, to blogs too now!)
Every time that I check them out lately, there is at least one, if not several, reports of various celebrities announcing that they are expecting. Or rumours of the same kind. They make it seem so bloody easy.

And to add insult to injury (i just love that saying), there have been reports here recently that a staggering number of pregnancies in Australia are not only unplanned, but occur despite the use of condoms and the pill. So not fair! Why is it so hard for those of us who so desperately want to have children, and so damned easy for all of those other people?

I must admit to some guilt in this issue though. Princess was conceived in those very same circumstances. When all odds were against it, when I was doing every possible thing you shouldn't do when TTC. (It helped that I was going through an absolute denial stage - no, I am not a lesbian!)

Am getting my comeuppance now though! Sometimes I wonder if it's all so hard this time because it was all so easy last time. Karma or something.

So it's DPO 9 today. Temp did a massive jump this morning. I fell asleep immediately after we got Princess to bed after her first day of Grade 3 (can't believe that she's one of the big kids now!). So slept for 11 hours and now just want to go back to sleep even though I've only been up for 4 hours. Breasts are still tender, feeling a bit sick (but that's really not unusual for me). My brain is racing off in a million directions... what if?

Phantom symptoms

It's DPO 7 and the most probably phantom symptoms have started - I have sore breasts, I think I've had some spotting, and I've been really all over the place with my moods - LB and I had an emotional confrontation last night about the very same things that we always fight about - nothing new at all but I really had to bring it all up at once very late last night. It did all end well though, as it inevitably does. And poor LB dealt with all that, then went back to work for the first time in 2 weeks today. Sometimes I'm so bloody inconsiderate....

My temps have been all over the place since ovulation this month. dip then spike then dip then spike again. Wierd.


So my temp now is almost as high as it's ever been. I'm hoping that it stays that way, but am still not optimistic in the slightest despite the impeccable timing. Although I'm sure that will change in the next 10 days - so that on Feb 8 (if not before), I'm once again crushed by the advent of CD1.

In nicer news, Princess has been back for a couple of days and it's wonderful to have my family back together again. I don't like it at all when we're apart. And today I took care of my two favourite little monkeys (apart from Princess of course!) - a pair of 2 year olds that I'm going to nanny for one day each week. It was wonderful to see them, and they were all full of effusive affection and much garbled discussions about their holidays. And they are practically toilet trained now - huge progress in only a month since I last saw them. And we all went out for dinner with my father tonight, who has returned home from China for a couple of weeks. That's usually a stressful occasion, as he's never really accepted LB and the fact that we are all a family, but tonight he actually made eye contact AND conversation with LB and it all went swimmingly. Is a big relief. Despite the myriad of issues I've had with him, I still do like my dad a lot, most of the time.

So apologies for the litany of complaints lately, it seems that I've just been all pissy lately. Am currently attempting to get over myself.

Grump

We are back from our amazing holiday and I'm not happy about that at all for a number of reasons, which I will now proceed to whine about:

• A teenage neighbour is having a party. They are playing the same crappy hip hop songs over and over again at a very high volume and shrieking incessantly. I'm alternately cursing them and berating myself for being an old fuddy duddy. It's horrible that we just came from a wonderful place of such peace and tranquility only for our hard earned relaxed states to be destroyed by teenage girls.
• It's hot and I hate the heat.
• There is only a few more days before the whole stressful work and school routine begins again.
• Princess is not here and won't return until Monday when R1 and R2 bring her back. That was supposed to be tomorrow but we returned to a message requesting an extra day and we thought it would be somewhat surly to just pout NO because we miss her.
• My father is returning to the country from China for two weeks on Tuesday and I don't want to deal with his crap but know that I will.
• LB is stressed about the imminent stress of work.
• I'm ignoring the fact that I have to start looking for jobs in a few days.
• Maybe bad news for two of my favourite bloggers, vee and jay and notesfrom2moms. Am thinking of them all and cursing the world on their behalf. UPDATE: While the universe continues to suck for vee and jay (FUCK!), things seems much more positive for notesfrom2moms with a BFP! Go girls.
• Feeling a distinct lack of positivity and optimism for this cycle. For some reason, it just doesn't even feel like I'm in a TWW.
• Am freaked out by the stories we heard last night from three different lesbian couples about their fertility struggles. One gave up after years of anguish and debt and have just found out their foster son (who has been with them since 4m old) will be with them permanently. One couple had 2 years of trying, one hysterectomy then IVF for a number of cycles and now have a small daughter, and the others took a long long time to conceive their son, and then with major medical intervention. All happy endings but it just made me realise just how short our journey has been, even if it has been incredibly painful already. It made me think about just how far we may have to go.
• LB is at CD almost 60, 20 DPO, her temps remain remarkably high and FF is telling her it's time to test. She is exhausted, has sore boobs and feels sick a lot. It's just a damned shame that there is no possible way, excluding immaculate conception, that she could be pregnant! I hate that she feels so yucky for no apparent reason and there is very little I can do to fix that.
• Maria Sh.arapova won the Aus.tralian Open. My vehement dislike for her is something not even I can adequately explain.
  

Alrighty then. Time to stop whining. Maybe I'll be more positive tomorrow....

Three outta three in the green zone

Well, we managed three insems this time - although, the last one was in the car, and was highly unpleasant for Clark - we won't be doing that again.

Looks good timing wise - we're in the FF green zone. I think there's not much more that we could do. Fingers are crossed - now we have to live through the TWW worth of "symptoms" (which she's already started talking about!). Ovulation hasn't actually shown up on the chart yet, but should show up right on schedule given one more temp rise tomorrow.

I, on the other hand, have an extremely weird chart this cycle - am on CD53. Yes, 53. I have never been particularly regular, but now that we've started tracking its so painfully obvious. For more than one reason I'm glad that its Clark that is TTC, and not me.

This is the most imsems we've done in one cycle, and other than last month (and presuming that ovulation did occur when we thought it did), we've hit in the green zone in the most fertile period. Its a learning experience, but we seem to have the timing down better. So I'd say we have the best chance right now. Let's hope that it worked, then we won't need that appointment with the clinic.

We're sitting here, in the lovely peace and quiet of the B&B, with a couple of gay guys, discussing baby issues. It's kind of funny. Out of the three couples staying here, ALL of them are gay!!! It's awesome. Although the other lesbians are older and butcher and don't seem as nice - they've sequestered themselves in their room with their VB (yuck - the worst beer in history!), and we are having a good time without them.

One out of three

Mission accomplished. For last night anyway. And I woke up this morning with major ovulation pain so is looking good so far. Will probably inseminate again tonight (depending on OPKs) and definately tomorrow about lunch time. That's going to be an interesting one. J will be working so we'll go to the hospital where he works and do the deed in the car park! Now that would be an interesting conception story! :)

Am feeling very relaxed at the moment. Is lovely to just hang out with LB with no demands on our time. I like to be aimless (as she puts it). Crackers and lemonade and chocolate for breakfast in bed. But then I start to wonder about how the food I'm eating will impact on my fertility. But then I stop, and think that stressing is probably just making that worse....

Still not feeling very optimistic. Maybe just because I don't want to be disappointed again.

Tomorrow after we're finished with all the sperming up we're headed further south to a lovely BnB that we found last year. I love it there. Run by lovely lesbians, beautiful and isolated, amazing organic vegie food, the ultimate in decadent relaxation. Can't wait.

Weirdness and aimlessness

We're in location, and are waiting on J to call and arrange a meeting.

I hate this part! Its so awkward, and bizarre. He'll come over and we'll chat, awkwardly, although less so now that we know him a bit (after 5 tries, we should). Then we'll have to leave while he does his thing, then he'll have to leave while we do ours.

Its all just very yuck. Blech...

Clark has just bought some new lesbian parenting books, so she's busy reading, and I am trying to avoid having to watch Leyton Hewitt on the tv. Its people like him that contribute to me being ashamed to be Australian.

We've had a lazy day, just wandering around Sydney aimlessly. Well, we had two goals - to get some new Buffy comics (which we failed at as they seem to have completely run out of Season 8 number 8) and to go to the cinema to see Juno, which we did do. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie, it was funny and insightful and a little quirky.

Its a weird feeling to have no fixed time commitments or constraints. I generally have to pack so much into my time that I rarely have time to be aimless.

Here we go again

We're back from our QLD holiday, even if briefly. The holiday was amazing. Princess showed great courage (as did her mothers!) and went on almost all of the big thrill rides - including the giant drop and tower of terror. There is no way I would have done that aged only 7! Was a proud moment for me. I love that she's not afraid of much, but even when she is, she's capable of working through it.

Princess has been delivered exhausted to R1 and R2 for a couple of nights who will then take her to her grandmother's for a week. LB and I are madly repacking for our next trip (for insemination and relaxation!) and cleaning the house in preparation for our lovely housesitter. It's amazing just how dirty the house looks when you imagine someone else living in it...

So we'll be inseminating again in a few days. Mon, Tues, Wed if possible. It's hard to tell what is going on with ovulation - but hopefully it will be tues or wed and we'll manage to time it right. I'm feeling very ambivalent about the whole process right now. 5 failed tries. Seems like forever, yet I know that it's barely anything in comparison to so many others out there. Despite that, I'm beginning to think that it's just not going to work, that it's not meant to be. So I'm heading into this cycle with very little optimism.

I'm also having major insecurity issues about LB and commitment. Is silly really, and I'm sure I'm driving her crazy with it all. When we were first together I had a great job that brought in a good income (although it was slowly killing me!). Now I'm practically unemployed and relying on her to support us. Sometimes it feels like we've just fell into this life, that LB hasn't really made any of the decisions that have shaped our lives, that she's just gone along with it all. I know logically that she loves us and wants to be here, wants PBX as much as I do, and is in this forever. But irrationally, I can't help but think that I don't deserve any of that so it can't be true. Ah I could ramble on about my many neuroses for hours but that would just be boring.

Today is going to be very full. After the mad cleaning and packing we have to brief S on caring for our menagerie, then we're going to Carnival Day (part of big gay festival here) with friends. After dinner we'll begin the trek back up north. Hoping to get some of the way tonight so we don't have to drive the full 10-11 hours tomorrow...

We'll probably have wireless access and our laptop while away so there may or may not be updates.

Holiday

LB, Princess and I have gone north!

We're in Queensland, gathering the courage for waterslides and crazy theme park rides... holidays are so much fun!

So no blogging for a week or two....

Abandonment

Clark and Princess have up and left me by myself. They've even taken my dog!

They've gone in search of better air-con and a pool - i.e. to C's mother's house - and I can't really blame them, as it was about 41C (nearly 106F) here today. And to make matters that much better, the aircon gave up the ghost at work today, right in the hottest part of the day. What a pleasant thing it is, to work in an old building in which the facilities die when they are taxed in the slightest. NOT.

So I am now sitting in front of our admittedly decent (if very loud) aircon at home, eating ice cream, and trying to finish up the work that it was too hard to concentrate on during the day. Or at least, procrastinating and not getting done what I need to get done.

I have performance reviews and development plans I need to complete by tomorrow. Its my first year as a real manager with all the trimmings (except the pay packet, although I did get a reasonable rise today as a matter of fact). And I'm finding the administrative part of it all a bit daunting. Never fear, my managers are very supportive, and I have the prospect of two whole weeks annual leave ahead of me, so I find myself maintaining my equanimity quite well, despite the circumstances.

Added to the whole TTC shebang, and the looming prospect of a rather horrible selection of subjects to study this year, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. Hopefully, this holiday will be fun and relaxing and I will come back refreshed and rejuvenated. Hah. So often you come back from a trip more tired than you started out. But we can always hope.

But I should get back to my work...

I'm a feminist too...

I was reading over my epic blog yesterday and one sentence grated on me. I said that I define myself as a wife and mother.

That's not exactly true. I'm a lot of other things too. I am a fully qualified lawyer and am well on my way to being a psychologist too. I have spent the last two years caring for a number of babies and toddlers on some days, and on other days have helped tradesman negotiate decent working conditions. I have ambition and plans and am going to do a lot with this life of mine. But my number one priority is my family. That's what I meant. Without my family, the rest is meaningless.

And I'm a feminist. By that, I meant that I strongly believe that every woman should have the right and the ability and the opportunity to do with her life what she chooses to do. Whatever that may be. And that is what I am teaching my daughter, and the other little girls that I care for.

Isn't it interesting that a highly educated woman feels the need to justify her overwhelming focus on her family with all of her other achievements? The world is seriously screwed up. It really shows me how much femininity and motherhood are devalued when I even begin to do it myself....

Soul Searching

It's seems to be a pattern in TTC land. Somebody gets yet another BFN, or worse, and that prompts posts about our motivations for putting ourselves through this, our deepest fears and desires.

So now it's my turn.

I already have an amazing daughter who I adore. Why is she not enough? I think the answer to that one is about LB and I. Princess is my daughter. She was almost 4 when LB came to live with us. I went through conception, pregnancy, birth, infancy and toddlerhood alone with Princess as a single parent (albeit with a haphazard inconsistent father figure along for the ride when it suited his schedule). I finished law school as a single parent with a two year old (and a 16 year old sister who couldn't possibly live at home with our father anymore). All while suffering quite severe depression. It was hard and stressful and difficult. Oh there was joy and laughter, every time I looked at Princess. But my memories of that time are so tied up in all the pain and stress and depression. And LB wasn't there to view the wonder of Princess as she grew inside me, as she was born, as she learned her first words or took her first steps. Princess and I had nobody to share all that with.

I want a joyful conception. I want to be excited when I find out I'm pregnant. I want to experience the growing of OUR child inside me and share the anticipation. I want pregnancy and childbirth without all the ugliness of the first time around. I want to share all of this with the person who I love. I want LB to experience all of the greatness of having a baby. I want her to see her child growing in my belly, I want her to feel him or her kick, I want her to experience that overwhelming love of the first moment after birth as she is the first to hold her child. I want her to experience infancy and toddlerhood and all the amazing things that those times bring. I feel like she has really missed out by not being there with us when Princess was growing.

The relationship between LB and Princess is conflicted. I think there is resentment from both sides at having to share me. LB loses patience quickly and just doesn't understand just how completely besotted I am with my child. Our child actually. Although LB wasn't there at the start, four 4 years now, she has been Princess's parent despite her misgivings, uncertainty and feeling a bit lost about it all. Far more so than her other biological parent has ever been, and ever will be. They adore each other through the bickering and impatience. I see this when they think I'm not looking. When I'm not around, they have a wonderful time. Some of my favourite memories of the past couple of years are when I've been left to sleep in and wake up to hear their conversations. And when it comes to the practical side of parenting, LB is there every step of the way. Night waking, tending a repeatedly sick child, cleaning up vomit, seeing doctors, going to emergency at the children's hospital, dealing with multiple food allergies, making lunches (and dinners and breakfasts), bathing, dressing, shopping for clothes, doing reading and projects for school, going to parent teacher interviews, ferrying to play dates and sleep overs and tae kwon do. You name it she's there.

A part of me thinks that LB's insecurity as a parent comes from having missed those first years. That she's feel better about herself and her role if she's there from the start. That she'll finally recognise that she is a wonderful mother, when she wants to be, when she relaxes. I don't think that biology is a major factor in this, but maybe I'm wrong. And the law definitely is a huge deal. LB will never have any legal connection to Princess. Princess has a mother and a father, and there is no room for a third parent without her father giving up parental rights (which he won't) and adoption (which is illegal for gay people here).

I worry so much about Princess if something should happen to me. The assumption would be that she would go to her father. But he's never ever cared for her for more than 3 days at a time (and that was just once - usually is just fri, sat nights every second week). And even then he forgets what she is allergic to, doesn't give her her medicine, gets her to school late (on the rare occasion she's there on a school night), doesn't put her to bed on time... the list goes on. He's even taken off for extended overseas trips three times in her life, one of them for a whole year. I would want Princess to stay with her mother LB. Who has been there every day of her life for the last four years. Half her life now. So we have wills and powers of attorney and have discussed the issue with our parents and friends. Just haven't had the courage to bring it up with R1 yet. Am not sure how he'd take it. We know we have to do this and will eventually.

So that brings me back to PBX. Another baby, Princess's biological halfsibling, would be a tie between Princess and LB. It would be harder for Princess to be taken away if her sibling lived with LB. And LB will be a legal parent to PBX as the laws in our state are due to change mid year.

I once said to a therapist when discussing my desire to have another baby - I don't want to live my whole life without ever doing anything else extraordinary. I define myself as a wife and mother. Yes I have a couple of degrees, and am working on more, I will one day have a job that I am proud of, I have an identity outside my family. But ultimately, my crowning achievements in life are LB and Princess. I think that I am a good mother despite all the difficulties I have faced, that LB and I are good parents and are raising Princess well. My family is everything to me. I just want to add to that.

And somehow, I think that we would be more of a family if we had our own child together, as stupid as that sounds.

Waterslides, here i come!

CD1. Crap.

Although I had all but given up as soon as i saw the BFNs. Although temps remained high until this morning, I started spotting last night and then knew for sure that it was all over. Again.

LB is bummed. Probably more than I am, which is unusual.

So now begins the usual cycle of recriminations. Why isn't it working? Is there something wrong with me? Will I ever be able to pull this off? Why must my body betray me so thoroughly by fabricating so many symptoms. Why must I be fooled by that every time?

But we have a plan. Insemination next month will be far easier to organise. LB and I will be on holiday, so we'll just go spend the week somewhere near J. And maybe do multiple insems with less rushing around. And then the month after that, we will finally be able to go to a clinic and get some help with all this.

Stark White Circles

another BFN. We temped this morning, and my temp rose (which it has never done before at this stage in my cycle). Thinking that this was a good sign, along with all the other things going on, I thought that testing first thing in the morning might show something, anything. But no.

So I'm exhausted but can't sleep, my breasts are incredibly sore, i'm vague as hell, and i feel kind of tingly in my breasts and abdomen, my sense of smell (and maybe taste) are increased. All good signs. I feel like I could be pregnant. But all maybe just fabricated by my overactive imagination.

15DPO. Cycle Day 31. My cycle usually hovers around 30 days, but i have recorded a 32 and a 34 in the past.

I'm going to try to go back to sleep. Probably to dream about stark white circles.

Impatience

Clark is a banana, who can't wait for things in good time.

She finally cracked and couldn't stand it any more, and POAS. What a surprise, a BFN.

Not only are we only just on 14DPO, but its late at night and 37C here, which means lots and lots of water through the day.

And also, she has a bad history for home tests. With her first pregnancy, she didn't ever get a +ve home test at all. And there's now a reasonably healthy almost 8yo to prove that wrong. The pregnancy was confirmed by blood test at around 7 weeks. So I'm almost certain the same will happen.

It all comes down to watching the temps and getting her period. Or not, as the case may be.

I'm not sure how many tests there are in the house, but I'm sure they'll all be used by the time I get home from work tomorrow. She's just that kind of person.

looking at silver lining... just in case.

temp dropped again this morning - but only a very small amount. I'm beginning to be disillusioned and am preparing myself for disappointment. I just don't want to be crushed again. LB is a bit exasperated with me I think. This morning she left the house for work with the words.. 'Fine, be pessimistic if you want to, but I won't be'.

So the silver lining. We're taking Princess on a holiday to Queensland on the 12th. We're going to theme parks. If I'm pg, there will be no rides and waterslides for me. So If I'm not, at least I'm going to have a week of fun with my girls! And after that week, LB and I are going to drop Princess off with her grandparents and then go away somewhere to reconnect, just the two of us. Problem is, until we know if we've been successful or not, we can't make any plans... cos that week falls right on when I'd be ovulating. So If we failed this month, we need to go to Sydney to see J, then find somewhere nearby to hole up and relax. It's only about a 10 hour drive away! Our plan in the alternative is to find some charming quiet BnB close by to Princess's grandparents to cut out the driving. Either way, we get to have a week to ourselves, with no working, no demands, no house to clean (which I'm studiously ignoring right now). YAY!

I'm taking Princess to the naturopath this morning. Need to get to the bottom of her allergies and intolerances and skin conditions and constant chest infections......

starting to lose hope - charts

my temp has starting dropping, even if only slightly. my beautiful chart is starting to look less beautiful:

should know in the next couple of days. i'm not going to test (though thanks for the comment that made us both laugh out loud vee!) because i'm so afraid of that white square.

And another thing

We think that LB ovulated in the last couple of days, even though FF hasn't observed that yet. But she had a major temp dip and fertile CM while I was ovulating nearly two weeks ago (she has a major long cycle).

Weird and Fascinating and Freaky.

Update: LB did ovulate on Monday according to FF - but that still doesn't explain the random signs of ovulation and fertility when I definitely was.

Daring to hope

It's 12 DPO and I'm experiencing some symptoms:

• Major Skin break out (but that could have been all the junk at christmas before we cracked down on diet),
• Incredibly sore breasts (I have to keep asking Princess to be careful and trying to explain why just prompted a whole discussion on menstrual cycles - without the possible pregnancy bit though)
• Increased awareness of my body
• Extreme fatigue (but that could be the extreme heat - above 42 degrees (that's about 105 F) for the last three days
  

Also good things on my chart:

• Spotting on DPO 10 (New Year's Eve too!)
• Temperature dip on DPO 9 then return to higher temps on next day.
• Temps staying high (so far)

So we're cautiously optimistic. But from experience, my body is extremely good at fooling us, making us all excited about the possibility, then letting us down in a huge blow of disappointment.

There's other weird things too - LB says i smell different, i've coped far better with the heat that i usually would (especially given we were camping in a tent by the river for the worst of it), and am just feeling laid back and vague and relaxed. But that all could just be due the fact that i've now had almost two weeks holidays, for the first time in 2 years....

So many possible symptoms, so many alternative explanations. I hate the second guessing of the TWW. And i really hate waiting. My period is supposedly due on Sunday. That's 4 days away. FF says not to test until the 9th - that's a whole week away. I wonder if I can resist the temptation to test for that long.... It's so conflicted though. I want to test for the small possibility that it might show the coveted two lines, but I really don't want to see that horrible white expanse that means that it's all over again for another month....