Soul Searching

It's seems to be a pattern in TTC land. Somebody gets yet another BFN, or worse, and that prompts posts about our motivations for putting ourselves through this, our deepest fears and desires.

So now it's my turn.

I already have an amazing daughter who I adore. Why is she not enough? I think the answer to that one is about LB and I. Princess is my daughter. She was almost 4 when LB came to live with us. I went through conception, pregnancy, birth, infancy and toddlerhood alone with Princess as a single parent (albeit with a haphazard inconsistent father figure along for the ride when it suited his schedule). I finished law school as a single parent with a two year old (and a 16 year old sister who couldn't possibly live at home with our father anymore). All while suffering quite severe depression. It was hard and stressful and difficult. Oh there was joy and laughter, every time I looked at Princess. But my memories of that time are so tied up in all the pain and stress and depression. And LB wasn't there to view the wonder of Princess as she grew inside me, as she was born, as she learned her first words or took her first steps. Princess and I had nobody to share all that with.

I want a joyful conception. I want to be excited when I find out I'm pregnant. I want to experience the growing of OUR child inside me and share the anticipation. I want pregnancy and childbirth without all the ugliness of the first time around. I want to share all of this with the person who I love. I want LB to experience all of the greatness of having a baby. I want her to see her child growing in my belly, I want her to feel him or her kick, I want her to experience that overwhelming love of the first moment after birth as she is the first to hold her child. I want her to experience infancy and toddlerhood and all the amazing things that those times bring. I feel like she has really missed out by not being there with us when Princess was growing.

The relationship between LB and Princess is conflicted. I think there is resentment from both sides at having to share me. LB loses patience quickly and just doesn't understand just how completely besotted I am with my child. Our child actually. Although LB wasn't there at the start, four 4 years now, she has been Princess's parent despite her misgivings, uncertainty and feeling a bit lost about it all. Far more so than her other biological parent has ever been, and ever will be. They adore each other through the bickering and impatience. I see this when they think I'm not looking. When I'm not around, they have a wonderful time. Some of my favourite memories of the past couple of years are when I've been left to sleep in and wake up to hear their conversations. And when it comes to the practical side of parenting, LB is there every step of the way. Night waking, tending a repeatedly sick child, cleaning up vomit, seeing doctors, going to emergency at the children's hospital, dealing with multiple food allergies, making lunches (and dinners and breakfasts), bathing, dressing, shopping for clothes, doing reading and projects for school, going to parent teacher interviews, ferrying to play dates and sleep overs and tae kwon do. You name it she's there.

A part of me thinks that LB's insecurity as a parent comes from having missed those first years. That she's feel better about herself and her role if she's there from the start. That she'll finally recognise that she is a wonderful mother, when she wants to be, when she relaxes. I don't think that biology is a major factor in this, but maybe I'm wrong. And the law definitely is a huge deal. LB will never have any legal connection to Princess. Princess has a mother and a father, and there is no room for a third parent without her father giving up parental rights (which he won't) and adoption (which is illegal for gay people here).

I worry so much about Princess if something should happen to me. The assumption would be that she would go to her father. But he's never ever cared for her for more than 3 days at a time (and that was just once - usually is just fri, sat nights every second week). And even then he forgets what she is allergic to, doesn't give her her medicine, gets her to school late (on the rare occasion she's there on a school night), doesn't put her to bed on time... the list goes on. He's even taken off for extended overseas trips three times in her life, one of them for a whole year. I would want Princess to stay with her mother LB. Who has been there every day of her life for the last four years. Half her life now. So we have wills and powers of attorney and have discussed the issue with our parents and friends. Just haven't had the courage to bring it up with R1 yet. Am not sure how he'd take it. We know we have to do this and will eventually.

So that brings me back to PBX. Another baby, Princess's biological halfsibling, would be a tie between Princess and LB. It would be harder for Princess to be taken away if her sibling lived with LB. And LB will be a legal parent to PBX as the laws in our state are due to change mid year.

I once said to a therapist when discussing my desire to have another baby - I don't want to live my whole life without ever doing anything else extraordinary. I define myself as a wife and mother. Yes I have a couple of degrees, and am working on more, I will one day have a job that I am proud of, I have an identity outside my family. But ultimately, my crowning achievements in life are LB and Princess. I think that I am a good mother despite all the difficulties I have faced, that LB and I are good parents and are raising Princess well. My family is everything to me. I just want to add to that.

And somehow, I think that we would be more of a family if we had our own child together, as stupid as that sounds.