Did anybody see that truck....

that must have hit me while I slept?

I have fully succumbed to the all encompassing exhaustion of early pregnancy. I hope the Weeny Beany is growing big because I feel completely squashed. And nauseous all of the time. Or ravenously hungry. Or both. All adds up to naps as often as humanly possible. Princess even said to me this morning, 'Mum, why are you tired ALL of the time? Why do you sleep SOOO much?' with all of the expression of a melodramatic pre-teen (yes I know she's not quite 8 yet, but believe me that description really does fit). I can't wait until I can really explain it! We've decided to wait until we have our 13 week scan to tell her. We're going to bring her with us, but not tell her what is happening, and just let her see. And then take her out for lunch for a serious debrief! So looking forward to that - but it's still about 5 weeks away!

Things have been tumultuous as usual around here.

Lazyboo isn't well. She is as exhausted as I am and without any good reason. I'm really worried about her. She saw our new wonderful doctor yesterday and this morning went for a battery of tests so hopefully they will come up with some answers. It's all a bit hard for her at the moment because I'm so frequently completely useless, and I'm at classes in the late afternoons/evenings a fair bit and she has to pick up the slack and keep the whole family running. And she's just not coping with that given her health. I just wish that I could do something to make it all better. I am trying hard, though, to not be so needy and pathetic and to just deal with some of the crapness that this joyful time is bringing so not to be such a burden. I'm not sure that my efforts are making much difference though.

My job finally came to an end last week. I applied for two jobs - one of them my dream job. But I had no expectation of actually getting either of them so enrolled in full time study again. Classes started on Monday, and it's been a logistical nightmare with late enrolment, scheduling and actually getting into classes.

Then on Monday, I got an email in response to one of the jobs saying I had been shortlisted and they would be in touch in the next couple of weeks.

Then on Tuesday, I got a phone call from the dream job place to arrange an interview. I had that interview yesterday and it went incredibly well. I so want that job! It will mean having to change my uni enrolment again, and shuffle everything around quite a bit, and dealing with Princess' insecurity about me working outside of the home again meaning I won't have time for her, but I still want it so bad! They said it will be a couple of weeks before they make any decisions so am waiting. I didn't tell them that I am pg, so in the very slim chance that I do get it, I will have to face that ethical dilemma....

To top it all off, I sent an email to the scheme that I was contracted to the last couple of years for reference purposes, and they replied with a job offer! Not doing what I was doing, but supervising those that do what I used to do, if that makes any sense! It would only be casual, but would fit perfectly with my increased study load and give us some extra cash. Which would be useful given our extreme lack of funds at the moment! All of sudden there are many potential options.

But all I want to do is sleep. Which I'm going to do now because i've only got just over an hour before I have to pick up Princess from school (for the first time this week!)

Sometimes I wish life would just be boring.

Tagged!

I was tagged by mrs bluemont. Wow! i feel like one of the cool kids.

Rules:

1. Grab the nearest book of 123 pages or more.
2. Open it to page 123.
3. Find the first 5 sentences and write them down.
4. Then invite 5 friends to do the same.

I'm lying in bed right now (cos at the moment it just seems so hard to not be here unless i absolutely need to be somewhere else) and I have a huge stack of books on my bed side table, all half read, cos I tend to get bored easily. So of course, I had to check page 123 of all of them to find the most interesting five lines and this is it:

"Dorothy Gale, a visitor to Oz, copes well with the vagaries of the land. This is due mainly to her stable upbringing by her aunt and uncle. Although she is disturbed to be alone in a foreign place, she interracts appropriately with each person she meets. For example, when people treat her well, she is polite and kind, but when she experiences rudeness or unfairness, she stands up for herself and maintains strong personal boundaries (very much in the way that Alice does when visiting Wonderland - see p. 30). She is able to use sound cognitive reasoning to overcome many of the obstacles she faces."

It's from Tigger on the Couch: The neuroses, psychoses, disorders and maladies of our favourite childhood characters by Laura James. This is one of the many books that I just had to have when trawling through countless bookshops in Sydney the week that Weeny Beany was conceived. It's fascinating really (I'm such a nerd), but I've stalled out somewhere between Piglet's Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Goldilocks' Antisocial Personality Traits.

Now I tag Plump, Owl from Enough Grows, Notesfrom2Moms, Tiff from Chronicles of Conception and J.K-C from Our Incredible True Adventures.

Weeny Beany

Today we acquired both a new name, and a new grandparent for PBX, both deriving from the same source.

Clark and I had lunch today with C's mum and a friend of hers, who is fighting breast cancer. We had already told C's mum (Princess' Nanny S) about PBX, and given that the friend is someone who we see infrequently, and who has no contact with our social circle - such as it is - that it would be safe to also tell her.

By the end of the lunch, it was decided that - given that she had no grandchildren of her own, nor were any looking to be forthcoming any time soon - that she would be another grandmother for PBX - Nanna K. We believe that a child can never have too many grandparents in its life to a) spoil them and b) babysit, so are perfectly happy with this arrangement.

Nanna K, then proceeded throughout the meal to refer to the children as 1 1/2, and when I said that PBX wasn't really a half yet, its really only about the size of a bean, then she coined the name Weeny Beany. We like it! Its staying. Its cuter and easier to say than PBX.

On a related note, Clark informed me the other day that she didn't like the boys name we had agreed on. Yes, sad but true, we had laboriously picked out names - one of each - for PBX, before it was even conceived. And I mean laboriously. It has been a real challenge. Princess has a unique and original name, and we wanted PBX - or I should now say Weeny Beany - to have something equally unique, but that would stand the test of time and not be too teaseworthy. Clark is now arguing with me as I write, and saying its not that she doesn't like it, she's worried about teasing. BS I say to that! She's already knocked me back once on this name, when we were deciding on a new family surname. Now she's doing it again! It's alright though, I'll get it in as a middle name if its the last thing I do.

We've (no I've) come up with another one that we both like - and so far - agree on, although Clark is proving fickle in her pregnancy to date, and that may change at a moment's notice. The girls name is from Greek mythology, and the boys is from Norse mythology. So reasonably unique, at least not in popular circulation. Neither name appears in the top 1000 most popular names ever according to the Baby Name Wizard NameVoyager. But at the same time not unheard of. I Googled the boys name today and came across references to several people with the name, so it is in use. Also just did the same for the girls name - its in use, but even less common than the boys.

So we're good to go on the names. At this stage...

Sympathetic Symptoms

My family is amazing. I may be the one with a tiny being in my belly, but they are joining me in my suffering:

Princess has been feeling sick constantly and has even thrown up a couple of times. And she doesn't even know about PBX (though I'm sure she suspects cos we talk about it ALL the time!)

LB has a sore back, is completely exhausted and tells me that today she nearly threw up at work, and she's suffering badly from acid reflux.

As for me, a lot of nausea but no vomiting (going for a second vomit free pregnancy!), reflux, intermittent fatigue... nothing too serious at all. Apart from the atomic titties that is - I certainly don't remember THIS from last time!

What to do?

My job is over as of this week. This was expected but still bad timing and I'm still grumpy about it.

There are two big issues with this. Because our government refuses to recognise same-sex couples, I'm classified as a single parent and receive benefits. We rely on that money (though we'd give it up in a second for some recognition!). They've recently changed the laws so now that Princess is 7 I have to either study full time or work at least 30 hours per fortnight in order to continue to receive the payments. The bottom line is, LB and I cannot afford for me to not only be not working, but not receiving payments either. I can't wait for the day when I'm able to work full time in a job that I love and not have to rely on welfare. But I am grateful that it is available to us.

So the last few days LB and I have been going over the options. Looking for a job seems like an insurmountable task right now - I'm just so exhausted. And if I do manage to get an interview, do I tell them that I can only do the job for about 7 months? I feel like a fraud if I don't, but know that nobody will hire me if I tell them that.

So last week, I did a little internet job searching. And I found a couple of things. One quite serviceable seemingly interesting job at my old Uni. Another one at my current uni in the library which seems like it might be an interesting thing to do for a while. And then I found my perfect job. The job that I have gone back to Uni to become qualified for. And from the ad, it seems that I'm already qualified for it (just missing a short 5 day course that the company offers themselves). So I think I'm going to apply for it anyway. If, and it's a big if, my application gets anywhere, I face that dilemma again. Do I tell or don't I? And then if I actually luck out and get it, I've got my perfect job that I will only be able to keep for a short time.....

So LB and I have also been talking about my going back to Uni full time. My current course is only a part time course, and I need to complete this year before I can move on to anything else. So I'm going to investigate doing a couple of extra subjects that aren't necessary for my qualification, but would be useful in my future career, to bring my load up to full time. That would still be much easier for me than working full time, or at all (!), and Princess would not have to go to Before and After School Care programs that I hate so much, and full time study and pregnancy is something I've succeeded at before.

I hate all this uncertainty. I just want to be able to cruise for the next 34 weeks (cos I'm 6 weeks today!) without having to be stressed about all this stuff. Just wish that we were independently wealthy!

Our first appointment

Off to the GPs this afternoon, for our first appointment post BFP. We had seen her two cycles ago, and she greeted us today with "So have you come to tell me you're pregnant?" As Clark just mentioned, it would have sucked if we hadn't, but as a matter of fact, yes we had.

She was very supportive and listed some basic first options, and talked about the optional "early" scan. I had thought that two to three ultrasound scans were par for the course, but apparently only the 20 week scan is indicated (and therefore free). You can, however, have a scan at 13 weeks which is basically a check for Down Syndrome. Given that Clark is only 30, the chance of the baby having Downs is only 1 in 800, so I'm thinking the additional expense is not necessary.

On the flip side, we had semi-discussed using that first scan as a way of telling Princess about the pregnancy - you can't get much more immediate gratification than that. So we'll see how we go with that one.

Chips, in regards to the GP's opinion on complementary therapies and further to Clark's comment, her stance was that she doesn't know much about it. She didn't have a negative opinion, the only thing she mentioned was that she would recommend not taking unnecessary medications.

I personally think that as long as you are confident that your practitioner (be they a chiropractor, masseuse, acupuncturist, naturopath or whatever) has plenty of experience with pregnant women, then it will be alright. Asian women have been having babies for millennia with eastern therapies - I think there must be something valuable to be taken from that. But if anyone has any opinions on that they want to share, please do for our sake as well as Chips'. There is so much misinformation out there, I think its important to understand where everyone is coming from, especially those who have been through it all before.

All in all, I think the appointment went very well. She was very informative. She actually is part of a shared care program, which would mean that we could potentially go see her locally for our regular checkups, rather that having to wait at the hospital each time. In other good news, the Women's hospital is undergoing a relocation and should be brand new and sparkling in time for the arrival of PBX.

So it seems that all systems are go. My main and lingering concern is the law. Our state government is supposed, mid this year sometime, to be removing a whole swathe of discriminatory legislation. This will mean that I will be able to be named as PBX's parent officially on the birth certificate. So I have everything crossed in the hopes that the changes happen in time. It can get nasty, I understand, when you fail to list a father, as it stands.

I have little to no faith in our political system. Lets hope that I am pleasantly surprised. Kevin has validated himself already, with Kyoto and the apology. Come on Brumby.

Sorry

Our Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd's speech:

"Today we honour the Indigenous peoples of this land, the oldest continuing cultures in human history.

We reflect on their past mistreatment.

We reflect in particular on the mistreatment of those who were Stolen Generations - this blemished chapter in our nation's history.

The time has now come for the nation to turn a new page in Australia's history by righting the wrongs of the past and so moving forward with confidence to the future.

We apologise for the laws and policies of successive Parliaments and governments that have inflicted profound grief, suffering and loss on these our fellow Australians.

We apologise especially for the removal of Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander children from their families, their communities and their country.

For the pain, suffering and hurt of these Stolen Generations, their descendants and for their families left behind, we say sorry.

To the mothers and the fathers, the brothers and the sisters, for the breaking up of families and communities, we say sorry.

And for the indignity and degradation thus inflicted on a proud people and a proud culture, we say sorry.

We the Parliament of Australia respectfully request that this apology be received in the spirit in which it is offered as part of the healing of the nation.

For the future we take heart; resolving that this new page in the history of our great continent can now be written.

We today take this first step by acknowledging the past and laying claim to a future that embraces all Australians.

A future where this Parliament resolves that the injustices of the past must never, never happen again.

A future where we harness the determination of all Australians, Indigenous and non-Indigenous, to close the gap that lies between us in life expectancy, educational achievement and economic opportunity.

A future where we embrace the possibility of new solutions to enduring problems where old approaches have failed.

A future based on mutual respect, mutual resolve and mutual responsibility.

A future where all Australians, whatever their origins, are truly equal partners, with equal opportunities and with an equal stake in shaping the next chapter in the history of this great country, Australia."

It's about time. Today the shame I feel at being a white Australian is somewhat lessened.

OMG I'm actually pregnant

It's starting to hit me. About the same time as the extreme vagueness, persistent nausea, dizziness and fatigue. There's actually a baby in there (somewhere under all that fat!).

Princess has gone for a daddy weekend which is a good thing while we get our heads around this new development. It's funny that we've wanted this for so long, but now it's here, it's still a little scary.

We had a beautiful day yesterday. LB had previously banned me (cos I'm a ridiculous emotional shopper for anything but clothes for me) from buying, or even looking too much, at baby things. So we went on a trek yesterday to find a Baby T.arget. I remember having such a good time in those places when expecting Princess. So the internet told us that there is one in Werribee and one in Preston. Neither places that are desirable places to go for any other reason! We trekked across (minimum 30 minute drive!) to Preston only to find that it had closed down. Thwarted! But then we bizarrely ran into a friend and proceeded to have a great catch up and lunch with her. And we just had to tell her! Who would have thought the going to Preston was such a good idea! Especially given that our other friends who live there (with their adorable 5 m old son) weren't around to visit. So then we trekked to Werribee. Almost an hour from Preston, half an hour from home. No Baby T.arget there either. It clearly wasn't meant to be. We did however visit a few other shops and finally bought some very cute things for our PBX. And now I'm not allowed to get anything else for a while (it's a good thing that one of us is sensible!)



While down there, we decided to drop in on some other friends, who we haven't seen in at least 15 months. Before the whole TTC began. They have an 18 month old and are expecting their second in August. And of course we just had to tell again! Just can't keep our mouths shut. So nice to hang out with them and their adorable girl and talk babies without any of that jealousy and resentment clouding it all.

So much for not telling! LB doesn't want to tell anyone (else!), including Princess, until 12 weeks. I'm a lot more conflicted about it, mainly because I can't keep a secret to save myself! And I especially hate excluding Princess from this. It's been awful during the whole TTC process for that reason, but it was just not sensible to let her in on it. And now, the situation is pretty much that if we tell her, the whole world will know. And I'm not quite ready for the whole world to know.... Anyone got any ideas on this?

This morning I woke up feeling awful so just plugged in to catch up on blogs. While I wasn't looking, LB tidied the entire house! I turned around after about half an hour and the house that formerly looked like a bomb had hit it is now pristinely tidy. And she's making pancakes now! Thank you all for your lovely comments, they do so make us smile. So I have been keeping up with all your blogs, even though I haven't been commenting... A summary of my thoughts:

• Vee and Jay - am hoping so hard that this is your time. Paramedic sperm has got to be good right! Sending virtual babydust.
  
• Owl and Pcat - sorry to hear about the doctor dramas - is so hard to find a decent one in this city. And well done for succeeding with the big girl bed! Yay for 2008 babies indeed!
  
• Mrs Bluemont - good luck with the upcoming insems. Thinking fertile thoughts for you.
• Tiff - missed opportunities are so hard to deal with. :( I'm looking forward to more of your thoughts.
• Renee (and Janice) - i hope that you have had the opportunity to talk and that you both feel better about things.
  
• Notesfrom2moms - i'm already feeling the pressure! and it's nice that we're only about a week apart and can do this together.
• And Chips - hang in there until test day! hoping yours is as much fun as mine was.
  

And as for my Anonymous commenter - I know who you are! And we don't all have fresh sperm on tap like you (in the form of a husband) AND get lucky on the first try! :P

Today we're going to start to tackle the challenges of gluten free dairy free pregnancy nutrition (cos potato gems and pancakes for breakfast probably isn't a good long term plan). Can't ever do anything the easy way.

Two pink lines

I think this really speaks for itself. 5.30 temp call, temp was still up. POAS produced the two coveted pink lines.

Even though quite exhausted, Clark and I have been lying awake since then, being periodically ecstatic and then hashing details such as when we can get to the doctors, when should we tell people.

Clark is now happily reading the pregnancy books that we acquired, and we are marvelling at the conflicted opinions of what to avoid and what's good for you...

We're having a baby! PBX is now Pre-BX.

CD32

My period is due today. My last two cycles have been 32 days, the ones before all shorter.
I'm so damned nervous. Can't focus on anything, can't sit still, my stomach is churning.

Temps are still way higher than usual.

I'm think I'm going insane.

If AF hasn't showed up by tomorrow morning, we're going to test. At 5:30am, cos that's when we temp and we just can't wait any longer! It's killing me to wait until then. But I'm just so scared of getting a negative.

The chart

inconclusive, but still higher than usual at this stage. AF due today or tomorrow.


and sorry, mrs bluemont, but we're not going to test until at least friday! early tests have only led to much disappointment in the past and i want to postpone that as long as possible.

Hurry up and wait

Phantom symptoms? Or the real deal?

- Tender, denser breasts
- Heartburn
- Periodic nausea
- Fatigue
- Vagueness
- Elevated temperature
- Spotting last week
- CD30 and no AF

Its all adding up to some good news, or some pretty extraordinary imaginary symptoms.

Chart is looking good. Temp has stayed high and has risen even higher this morning. No sign of a drop at this stage. And AF would be due today, tomorrow or Thursday. And no usual telltale temp drop.

So I'm actually feeling a little bit hopeful that Clark may actually be pregnant this time. Through the generalised cloud of despondency I'm finding myself in at the minute. Source unknown.

Sixth time lucky, perhaps.

Triplets

I babysat 12 month old triplets last night. They are amazing kids and I am filled with admiration for their parents. Just being with those babies, settling them when they cried, holding them while they smiled and giggled was like a balm for my soul.

I was brooding when I arrived (see previous post!) but within a short time of being there, I couldn't wipe the smile off my face. Here were two people who faced great adversity to have their children, only to deal with the shock of three at once. They do it with such dignity and enthusiasm and joy. Those children are so secure and loved and beautiful. It just reminded me that there is justice in the world.

Once they were all asleep (with little effort on my part), I settled in to watch some tv and felt a bit wierd in my lower abdomen. When I went to the bathroom there was blood. And quite a bit of it. So I panicked. It was only DPO 10 and a whole week before my period was due. What the hell was happening? I called LB, who was at the time trying to feed and bathe and get our daughter to bed, who calmed me down with the simple words (or something to this effect) 'What will be will be. We just have to wait and see'. And the bleeding stopped.

Maybe this was the fabled implantation spotting that I've heard about (nothing at all like the other times I've thought I may have had spotting!). Add that to the crushing exhaustion, continued high temps, tender breasts, dizziness and occasional nausea I have right now and things look good. But I think I am philosophical enough to know that my body is incredibly talented at fooling me, as it has done with many of these same 'symptoms' in the past 8 months. Is very hard to stop the brain racing though....

Our intention is not to test until Friday. That's a whole 6 days away!

So not fair.

So now my sister is pregnant again. Her daughter, who I am not allowed to see, is only 15 months old. And she's married to a thug. And she's not particularly happy about this new baby. My mother told me all of this, obviously, as she won't speak to me anymore for sticking up for my family.

The injustice is horrifying, and now I'm all depressed because more than likely, I'm not pregnant. And I'm sad that she's going to have another child that I'm not going to know.