I've just done something quite mean - I've imposed a tax on Clark for writing a blog of a bowl of ice cream - the mean part comes in 2 minutes later when I realised that now we're in the TWW she can't eat ice cream.
Bad me.
Although, for many years I have made her porridge and all sorts of gluten-ridden things, while I cannot eat them (being coeliac), so I guess that one bowl of ice cream doesn't do much for those particular scales. If such things are weighed up.
The TWW is made much harder for C by the imposition of dietary restrictions. C herself, plus much of her family, have allergies of one kind or another. C has lactose and wheat issues, Princess cannot tolerate cow's milk and has wheat issues. So we have decided (based on studies that show that allergies can be avoided or lessened by avoiding exposure) that C will endeavour to be completely wheat and dairy free during pregnancy and breast feeding. It's not that great a stretch - I have to eat GF, and on the whole we all do - it's just not an option for her now, which I think she finds hard. Especially cheese.
It's like any diet - you always want what you can't have.
J also suggested while he was down that excess sugar intake can cause fertility issues as well - and while I'd want to perhaps verify that, it also seems sensible. But impossible over Christmas.
Christmas was great - very quiet. Just the three of us for family dinner on Monday evening, then Tuesday and Wednesday were relaxed and calm - much PlayStation and computer games and jigsaw puzzles and reading. My idea of bliss, really. What a struggle to go back to work today.
Still very hopeful about this month - haven't been this hopefully since our first idealistic attempt. Signs were all good, its just the interminable wait now. But I am frantically busy at work, so I think it will go quickly for me. Clark, however, is now finished up with work, and will worry and fret and try to do pregnancy tests long before there is any viable hope of a meaningful result.
She's so far beyond instant gratification that it's almost scary.
We just watched An Inconvenient Truth - what is scary is thinking about how much the world would be an amazingly better place if Bush hadn't bought that election. It was a fantastic film - so thought-provoking - I want to move to a desert island and really remove my carbon footprint completely. But then, I'm anti-social, so that sounds great to me anyway.
So I will finish with two recommendations:
1. Watch An Inconvenient Truth - and then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! (I will endeavour to also follow that advice).
2. Read His Dark Materials - Phillip Pullman - Not only is it an awesome read, but get something out of that too. Think about the damage that organised religion does to society - not only what it has done but what it continues to do. Don't be indoctrinated.
Happy new year - bring on a pregnant 2008!
Thursday 27 December 2007
Thursday 20 December 2007
ducks in a row....
egg white CM, positive opk (yes, i know i said we weren't going to bother :P), dipped temperature, is day 15 today, J's flight and hotel booked, sleepover arranged for Princess... all systems go.
feeling very positive...
feeling very positive...
Wednesday 19 December 2007
Moving Forward
I'm at work and really shouldn't be blogging. But it's the last day before the Christmas break, I have very little to do and my boss isn't here so I'm going to anyway!
We saw the new doctor on Monday. What a difference! She was awesome and supportive and very very helpful. She looked at all the charts and lists and information we had prepared and said, 'I don't think you have a fertility issue, I think you have a timing issue' and proceeded to give us a referral to a clinic (note that any form of clinic treatment is only legal right now if we are considered medically infertile...). She said that it's just a matter of going to a clinic that doesn't care about that particular law. So now we have an appointment on February 21.
She also said that she believed OPKs and temperature charting to be more trouble than they are worth. She said that my cycle is regular enough to ignore all that and just inseminate on day 15 and day 16 of each cycle in the meantime. So J is coming down thursday (day 15) for insemination on thursday night and friday morning. That's not to say that we've stopped temping though! We want to keep that up for peace of mind and to keep an eye on things (and my temp dipped this morning like we expected so FF might change it's mind about super early ovulation). The OPKs may just be over though. I don't think they've been accurate at all for us. When the doctor looked at when we'd inseminated using opks she said that most of them weren't timed properly at all.
In other news, we have a funky new house to live in! fully renovated, big back yard, so much nicer than where we are now.... things are looking up. UPDATE: We didn't actually get the house because the owner decided to object to our pets despite the fact that the current tenant has two dogs... Bummer.
Princess recovered from last week's school accident (falling off a fence to slice her back open on rusty wire) to gain her junior brown belt in tae kwon do as well as get an award for most improved this year. She got her school report and did extremely well given the complacency of her teacher - we don't think that Princess was challenged at all this year - she's a bit ahead for her age and class so she was just let be. There will be discussions with new teacher about this!
Only three days of full time work to go. Am so looking forward to slowing down. And to spending the summer holidays with Princess. Reconnecting, hanging out, having fun!
And we booked our major holiday too. Flying to Queensland, staying in apartment with pool, going to theme parks (and a mega mini golf crawl day because we're dorks!). Princess is going to be so excited when presented with her 'holiday voucher' xmas morning... she still thinks that if we go on holiday at all, we'll just go camping somewhere... I can't wait to see her face.
Boss is back, better get some work done!
We saw the new doctor on Monday. What a difference! She was awesome and supportive and very very helpful. She looked at all the charts and lists and information we had prepared and said, 'I don't think you have a fertility issue, I think you have a timing issue' and proceeded to give us a referral to a clinic (note that any form of clinic treatment is only legal right now if we are considered medically infertile...). She said that it's just a matter of going to a clinic that doesn't care about that particular law. So now we have an appointment on February 21.
She also said that she believed OPKs and temperature charting to be more trouble than they are worth. She said that my cycle is regular enough to ignore all that and just inseminate on day 15 and day 16 of each cycle in the meantime. So J is coming down thursday (day 15) for insemination on thursday night and friday morning. That's not to say that we've stopped temping though! We want to keep that up for peace of mind and to keep an eye on things (and my temp dipped this morning like we expected so FF might change it's mind about super early ovulation). The OPKs may just be over though. I don't think they've been accurate at all for us. When the doctor looked at when we'd inseminated using opks she said that most of them weren't timed properly at all.
In other news, we have a funky new house to live in! fully renovated, big back yard, so much nicer than where we are now.... things are looking up. UPDATE: We didn't actually get the house because the owner decided to object to our pets despite the fact that the current tenant has two dogs... Bummer.
Princess recovered from last week's school accident (falling off a fence to slice her back open on rusty wire) to gain her junior brown belt in tae kwon do as well as get an award for most improved this year. She got her school report and did extremely well given the complacency of her teacher - we don't think that Princess was challenged at all this year - she's a bit ahead for her age and class so she was just let be. There will be discussions with new teacher about this!
Only three days of full time work to go. Am so looking forward to slowing down. And to spending the summer holidays with Princess. Reconnecting, hanging out, having fun!
And we booked our major holiday too. Flying to Queensland, staying in apartment with pool, going to theme parks (and a mega mini golf crawl day because we're dorks!). Princess is going to be so excited when presented with her 'holiday voucher' xmas morning... she still thinks that if we go on holiday at all, we'll just go camping somewhere... I can't wait to see her face.
Boss is back, better get some work done!
Monday 17 December 2007
Freaking out
FF says I ovulated on Day 9!
My stream of consciousness in reaction: It can't possibly be true. It's only a dashed line not a full one. It will change when my temp starts dipping tomorrow. I was sure that I wouldn't ovulate until this friday or saturday - that's when we've arranged for J to come down. It could be that I have a cold and my temp is slightly raised from that. It could be the ridiculous amounts of exercise I did on the weekend (4 min off my 4km run time!). It could be the PMS relief herbal supplement that my naturopath gave me to regulate my cycle. It can't possibly be true!
Going to see doctor tonight. Am nervous for some reason.
In other brighter news, our state government has announced that it's going to change a heap of laws mid next year to do with gay parenting. This will include full and immediate access to ART clinics, non-bio mums on birth certificates, full parental recognition.... YAY! So many people put so much hard work into this, so a big THANKYOU to all of them for the benefits that will improve our lives so much.
If we ever manage to get pregnant.
My stream of consciousness in reaction: It can't possibly be true. It's only a dashed line not a full one. It will change when my temp starts dipping tomorrow. I was sure that I wouldn't ovulate until this friday or saturday - that's when we've arranged for J to come down. It could be that I have a cold and my temp is slightly raised from that. It could be the ridiculous amounts of exercise I did on the weekend (4 min off my 4km run time!). It could be the PMS relief herbal supplement that my naturopath gave me to regulate my cycle. It can't possibly be true!
Going to see doctor tonight. Am nervous for some reason.
In other brighter news, our state government has announced that it's going to change a heap of laws mid next year to do with gay parenting. This will include full and immediate access to ART clinics, non-bio mums on birth certificates, full parental recognition.... YAY! So many people put so much hard work into this, so a big THANKYOU to all of them for the benefits that will improve our lives so much.
If we ever manage to get pregnant.
Thursday 13 December 2007
Anxiety
I've always read and learned about the experience of anxiety, so understand the concept academically. But yesterday, I think I actually had that experience myself. My head won't stop racing with all that is going on right now, and i worry and worry and it makes my stomach hurt. Yesterday I had to sit quietly in the car before work and make myself breathe deeply in and out for about 10 minutes to make it stop.
Trying to plan for upcoming insemination. I hate the uncertainty and just want to be organised! But of course, that is impossible given that my body will do exactly as it pleases, and most probably and the most inconvenient time possible. And we'll just have to deal with it.
I feel really positive about this month despite all the ifs. Temping has given me a sense of empowerment, and seems to have taken a lot of the guess work out of things. So IF we manage to anticipate ovulation correctly, IF we can deal with the logistics of getting J down here, IF we can fit inseminations in amongst work and Princess, IF we manage to pull all that off, I feel that it may just be our month.
I really hope so because the prospect of clinics and doctors and injections and all of that really doesn't sound like much fun.
Trying to plan for upcoming insemination. I hate the uncertainty and just want to be organised! But of course, that is impossible given that my body will do exactly as it pleases, and most probably and the most inconvenient time possible. And we'll just have to deal with it.
I feel really positive about this month despite all the ifs. Temping has given me a sense of empowerment, and seems to have taken a lot of the guess work out of things. So IF we manage to anticipate ovulation correctly, IF we can deal with the logistics of getting J down here, IF we can fit inseminations in amongst work and Princess, IF we manage to pull all that off, I feel that it may just be our month.
I really hope so because the prospect of clinics and doctors and injections and all of that really doesn't sound like much fun.
Monday 10 December 2007
Epic Craziness
Well what a month - I'm not sure where to start to chronicle all that has happened. This blog is going to end up with novel like proportions.
Princess has been sick again. She was quite ill, and the new doctor that we went to suggested that her chest issues may be due to asthma so we're going to try preventative medication for a few months to see if that makes a difference. We really hope it does.
When Princess was sick, I had to have more time off work to be at home for her. When I went back to work, I got a lecture about how they are disappointed in my reliability. The next day, they asked me to increase my hours every day (thus eliminating any of the flexibility I have thus far enjoyed) and to work for more days every week. They knew that this is just not possible for me. So I told them that they would have to find someone else who could work the hours that they need, because I can't. It only occurred to me a few hours later that they were completely aware that I was not able to do what they asked, that it was strange that all the flexibility was suddenly gone, and that this was most probably just a way to get rid of me without actually firing me (cos that's illegal of course). Or am I just paranoid? In any case, I will shortly be out of a job. And of course, I am almost finished caring for the many children I have been caring for for the past two years because it's just too stressful and full on. I guess now we'll just have to cope with the stress of unemployment and job hunting :(
What else has happened? Princess went on her first school camp, which was daunting but exciting - she had a wonderful time. LB had surgery to remove some breast lumps (which are not nasty but annoying) so has been very bruised and battered for a while. I found out that the career path that I had been planning on is no longer available, and that I will have to complete a masters in order to become qualified. Another two years study.
But good stuff has happened too! My cycle seems to have settled somewhat, with last month being somewhat conventional, which brings our hopes up for this month. J says he's most probably going to be available for insemination too, even though it will be just before christmas. LB and I both got our marks for this semester's study, and we both passed! yay! I even did much better than passing - i did exceptionally well, which is a nice surprise after the stress of this semester. LB usually out performs me, but this semester has been unbelievably hard for her for a number of reasons, and she is really pleased with her marks too. And I'm very proud of both of us.
We've been having discussions with Princess' dad (R1) about christmas. Every year of Princesses life, we've all spent christmas morning together. But he just flippantly said a few weeks ago that he thought it was too early and he wouldn't bother this year. That made me really sad, because I'm proud of the fact that despite our differences (which are ultimately very small in the grand scheme of things), we have managed to get it together for Princess every year. So I told him how I felt and yesterday we reached a compromise that he and his partner (R2) would come over christmas morning, albeit a bit later. I'm glad that our christmas tradition will hold, even though it can be somewhat uncomfortable!
I went to a conference on the weekend where a professor from my university was giving a presentation about the current state of parenting recognition for lesbian mothers in the various australian states. It was very interesting and definitely illuminating. And I got a chance to to speak to her afterwards and she had some advice for me - that we should bypass the gps and go directly to a clinic - then go back to the gp and get a referral once we have an appointment... And also that as far as parenting recognition for LB goes, we're better off using a clinic if at all possible, and also travelling to canberra to give birth if we ever get that far. All of this was very interesting, and it was great to talk to this accomplished successful woman, but afterwards I was just kicking myself. Although I initially approached her with a question about her presentation, the whole conversation became about my private journey. And ultimately I would like to conduct research very similar to hers, and she could be a very important colleague once I get a bit more qualified - i feel like it was a wasted opportunity, professionally that is. Why does everything become about TTC? It has taken over our lives....
We decided against contacting the clinic direct at this stage. It feels a bit sneaky and underhand, and we're not quite desperate enough to do that yet. We've got an appointment with another doctor on monday, who specialises in women's health and obstetrics and gynaecology. hopefully she'll be more willing to help us!
And plans for the next insemination are under way! If this month's cycle follows last month's, ovulation will be day 17 - which is heaps later than we have estimated in all our previous attempts (and we used cheap opks too...). That will be 22 december. we have stocked up on better quality opks, are taking temps religiously at 530am every day (groan), and are in close contact with j about his trip down to see us....
This week is crazy - training tonight, two christmas parties tomorrow, princess' school concert wednesday night, babysitting and looking at houses thursday night, one of my little monkey's last day with me on friday... i'm exhausted just thinking about it. And next week will just as crazy - appointment with new doctor, insemination, last week of caring for all of my little monkeys. That will be a bitter sweet thing. relief that the stress and hard work is over, sadness that this time is over, and these little guys will not take up such a large part of my life... at least i'll see two of them regularly next year....
ok, time to end the novel like post! mental note: maybe if i blogged a little more frequently, the posts might not be so long....
Princess has been sick again. She was quite ill, and the new doctor that we went to suggested that her chest issues may be due to asthma so we're going to try preventative medication for a few months to see if that makes a difference. We really hope it does.
When Princess was sick, I had to have more time off work to be at home for her. When I went back to work, I got a lecture about how they are disappointed in my reliability. The next day, they asked me to increase my hours every day (thus eliminating any of the flexibility I have thus far enjoyed) and to work for more days every week. They knew that this is just not possible for me. So I told them that they would have to find someone else who could work the hours that they need, because I can't. It only occurred to me a few hours later that they were completely aware that I was not able to do what they asked, that it was strange that all the flexibility was suddenly gone, and that this was most probably just a way to get rid of me without actually firing me (cos that's illegal of course). Or am I just paranoid? In any case, I will shortly be out of a job. And of course, I am almost finished caring for the many children I have been caring for for the past two years because it's just too stressful and full on. I guess now we'll just have to cope with the stress of unemployment and job hunting :(
What else has happened? Princess went on her first school camp, which was daunting but exciting - she had a wonderful time. LB had surgery to remove some breast lumps (which are not nasty but annoying) so has been very bruised and battered for a while. I found out that the career path that I had been planning on is no longer available, and that I will have to complete a masters in order to become qualified. Another two years study.
But good stuff has happened too! My cycle seems to have settled somewhat, with last month being somewhat conventional, which brings our hopes up for this month. J says he's most probably going to be available for insemination too, even though it will be just before christmas. LB and I both got our marks for this semester's study, and we both passed! yay! I even did much better than passing - i did exceptionally well, which is a nice surprise after the stress of this semester. LB usually out performs me, but this semester has been unbelievably hard for her for a number of reasons, and she is really pleased with her marks too. And I'm very proud of both of us.
We've been having discussions with Princess' dad (R1) about christmas. Every year of Princesses life, we've all spent christmas morning together. But he just flippantly said a few weeks ago that he thought it was too early and he wouldn't bother this year. That made me really sad, because I'm proud of the fact that despite our differences (which are ultimately very small in the grand scheme of things), we have managed to get it together for Princess every year. So I told him how I felt and yesterday we reached a compromise that he and his partner (R2) would come over christmas morning, albeit a bit later. I'm glad that our christmas tradition will hold, even though it can be somewhat uncomfortable!
I went to a conference on the weekend where a professor from my university was giving a presentation about the current state of parenting recognition for lesbian mothers in the various australian states. It was very interesting and definitely illuminating. And I got a chance to to speak to her afterwards and she had some advice for me - that we should bypass the gps and go directly to a clinic - then go back to the gp and get a referral once we have an appointment... And also that as far as parenting recognition for LB goes, we're better off using a clinic if at all possible, and also travelling to canberra to give birth if we ever get that far. All of this was very interesting, and it was great to talk to this accomplished successful woman, but afterwards I was just kicking myself. Although I initially approached her with a question about her presentation, the whole conversation became about my private journey. And ultimately I would like to conduct research very similar to hers, and she could be a very important colleague once I get a bit more qualified - i feel like it was a wasted opportunity, professionally that is. Why does everything become about TTC? It has taken over our lives....
We decided against contacting the clinic direct at this stage. It feels a bit sneaky and underhand, and we're not quite desperate enough to do that yet. We've got an appointment with another doctor on monday, who specialises in women's health and obstetrics and gynaecology. hopefully she'll be more willing to help us!
And plans for the next insemination are under way! If this month's cycle follows last month's, ovulation will be day 17 - which is heaps later than we have estimated in all our previous attempts (and we used cheap opks too...). That will be 22 december. we have stocked up on better quality opks, are taking temps religiously at 530am every day (groan), and are in close contact with j about his trip down to see us....
This week is crazy - training tonight, two christmas parties tomorrow, princess' school concert wednesday night, babysitting and looking at houses thursday night, one of my little monkey's last day with me on friday... i'm exhausted just thinking about it. And next week will just as crazy - appointment with new doctor, insemination, last week of caring for all of my little monkeys. That will be a bitter sweet thing. relief that the stress and hard work is over, sadness that this time is over, and these little guys will not take up such a large part of my life... at least i'll see two of them regularly next year....
ok, time to end the novel like post! mental note: maybe if i blogged a little more frequently, the posts might not be so long....
Monday 26 November 2007
Surprise, Relief and Optimism
Wow! We have a new government. I tried really hard not to get excited or optimistic about this election after being so crushed last time. I even tried to ignore all of the extremely positive polls beforehand. But I didn't need to do that - our old government was thoroughly trounced, as I think it completely deserved. Now I just have to not think about the fact that the new government's policies about gay rights are less than ideal. At least they're better, and will apparently do more for us, even if not all we want. Aside from gay rights, I believe this new government is nothing but good news for Australia, and hopefully we'll start moving in a better direction from now on.
I ovulated this month! At least my chart at fertility friend says I did, which is better than the month before! It was much later than I would have expected, but at least it happened. So we're going to attempt to try again next month. If J is available though, because I should ovulate sometime in the week before Christmas.
I am feeling good about our next efforts, because I feel that we know so much more now. This month off has been difficult, especially when I knew that I was ovulating, but I think we used it wisely. We have been closely tracking both of our cycles (and both seem to be doing what they should). I have finished my academic year, and have made lots of decisions about next year, including ways to reduce stress and workload. In short, I'm going to be working only 3 days per week next year, two days with my current IR/marketing job, and one day as a nanny to two of my little guys. The other two days are for me and for my family. To study, to hang out with Princess, to keep things organised for all of us.
I am so looking forward to getting off the mouse wheel. And I want to be optimistic about next month, but I'm afraid of the disappointment that another unsuccessful attempt will bring. LB is going through a negative phase where she feels like it's never going to happen. I'm vacillating. But I have to hold on the hope that we'll get there one day.
I ovulated this month! At least my chart at fertility friend says I did, which is better than the month before! It was much later than I would have expected, but at least it happened. So we're going to attempt to try again next month. If J is available though, because I should ovulate sometime in the week before Christmas.
I am feeling good about our next efforts, because I feel that we know so much more now. This month off has been difficult, especially when I knew that I was ovulating, but I think we used it wisely. We have been closely tracking both of our cycles (and both seem to be doing what they should). I have finished my academic year, and have made lots of decisions about next year, including ways to reduce stress and workload. In short, I'm going to be working only 3 days per week next year, two days with my current IR/marketing job, and one day as a nanny to two of my little guys. The other two days are for me and for my family. To study, to hang out with Princess, to keep things organised for all of us.
I am so looking forward to getting off the mouse wheel. And I want to be optimistic about next month, but I'm afraid of the disappointment that another unsuccessful attempt will bring. LB is going through a negative phase where she feels like it's never going to happen. I'm vacillating. But I have to hold on the hope that we'll get there one day.
Tuesday 13 November 2007
I miss my sister
My sister and I are no longer speaking. I haven't seen her for a long time now.
She is six years younger than me, and has throughout my life, been both like my best friend and my first child. That she is no longer in my life aches like a broken limb.
She got married this year. And I didn't go. And despite requests, didn't let Princess be a flower girl, or even attend. My sister married a guy who abused me, my partner and made my child hysterical. He abused us verbally a number of times and repeatedly made homophobic comments in our presence despite polite and calm requests not to. Princess is scared of him. And I hate that I don't know if that is because of what he's done or because of what I've said (not to her, but in her presence). I thought I was better than that.
My sister has a daughter. She turned one recently. I have seen her twice, and one time when I ran into them at a shopping centre and my sister could not ignore me like she wanted to because our father was with them. I am not likely to see my niece again. That hurts so bad. But not as much as the thought that my sister will never again be a part of my life. Because of choices that I have made. I miss her so much.
I sent my niece some gifts when she turned one. My sister replied with a letter saying thanks but don't do it again or they will be returned. She is so hurt that I didn't attend her wedding that she says ' I just wish for you not to be a part of my life'.
So now I''m drunk. I haven't drank anything in months because I've been focussed on staying healthy to get my body ready for a PBX. But now I'm drunk because I hurt. And I hate myself for being so weak.
I miss my sister.
She is six years younger than me, and has throughout my life, been both like my best friend and my first child. That she is no longer in my life aches like a broken limb.
She got married this year. And I didn't go. And despite requests, didn't let Princess be a flower girl, or even attend. My sister married a guy who abused me, my partner and made my child hysterical. He abused us verbally a number of times and repeatedly made homophobic comments in our presence despite polite and calm requests not to. Princess is scared of him. And I hate that I don't know if that is because of what he's done or because of what I've said (not to her, but in her presence). I thought I was better than that.
My sister has a daughter. She turned one recently. I have seen her twice, and one time when I ran into them at a shopping centre and my sister could not ignore me like she wanted to because our father was with them. I am not likely to see my niece again. That hurts so bad. But not as much as the thought that my sister will never again be a part of my life. Because of choices that I have made. I miss her so much.
I sent my niece some gifts when she turned one. My sister replied with a letter saying thanks but don't do it again or they will be returned. She is so hurt that I didn't attend her wedding that she says ' I just wish for you not to be a part of my life'.
So now I''m drunk. I haven't drank anything in months because I've been focussed on staying healthy to get my body ready for a PBX. But now I'm drunk because I hurt. And I hate myself for being so weak.
I miss my sister.
Saturday 10 November 2007
Education
C deals with some people who are shaping up to be very bad parents because they are parenting "on instinct" and won't read up on parenting issues etc.
I feel like for the last 4 to 6 months we've been TTC "on instinct", and therein lies the problem. I am the sort of person who likes to read up and have all the facts before I embark on anything. The whole TTC thing kind of all happened without any planning.
That's not true.
Our current state of TTC with J has been a bit ad hoc, but saying it happened without planning is not exactly true.
As a bit of back story:
We've been talking about having a baby for a few years now. We'd really only been together a year, maybe even less, before C started making those kinds of noises. And it took me a damn long time to get my head around that.
First instinct: no fucking way.
But then is that fair? And if I say no, then does that jeopardise the relationship? Because with acceptance often comes resentment.
And then there's the drama of actually finding a donor. We emailed with a few guys that we were put in contact with through notice boards. We even met one, but he turned out to be a complete lowlife who used to make prank calls and generally be obnoxious, so that didn't work out.
About a year after that incident (because that really soured the whole idea for us for some time) we hit another noticeboard, and lo and behold came across J, who is a truly nice guy. And because C was so desperate to have things happen RIGHT NOW (instant gratification comes nowhere near describing her), we just kind of rushed in and blundered through, and have been having no success.
So now, as C said, we are taking a break for a month and tracking temps and trying to take the time to learn a little, about our cycles, about the process in general.
My biggest issues is that there is so much information out there, how much of it is misinformation, how much is accurate or even relevant.
Case in point: yesterday at work someone brought cheesecake in for their birthday. My two pregnant co-workers wanted to know if it was safe to have something made with cream cheese, as you are supposed to avoid soft cheese.
A Google search revealed a million different opinions as to whether by soft cheese they mean only soft mould cheese, like camembert or brie, or any soft cheese.
I feel like its impossible to sort the wheat from the chaff, to use a very old phrase. How do you work out what's relevant? And more importantly, what's right?
So even though I'm done with my studies for the summer, my education continues...
I feel like for the last 4 to 6 months we've been TTC "on instinct", and therein lies the problem. I am the sort of person who likes to read up and have all the facts before I embark on anything. The whole TTC thing kind of all happened without any planning.
That's not true.
Our current state of TTC with J has been a bit ad hoc, but saying it happened without planning is not exactly true.
As a bit of back story:
We've been talking about having a baby for a few years now. We'd really only been together a year, maybe even less, before C started making those kinds of noises. And it took me a damn long time to get my head around that.
First instinct: no fucking way.
But then is that fair? And if I say no, then does that jeopardise the relationship? Because with acceptance often comes resentment.
And then there's the drama of actually finding a donor. We emailed with a few guys that we were put in contact with through notice boards. We even met one, but he turned out to be a complete lowlife who used to make prank calls and generally be obnoxious, so that didn't work out.
About a year after that incident (because that really soured the whole idea for us for some time) we hit another noticeboard, and lo and behold came across J, who is a truly nice guy. And because C was so desperate to have things happen RIGHT NOW (instant gratification comes nowhere near describing her), we just kind of rushed in and blundered through, and have been having no success.
So now, as C said, we are taking a break for a month and tracking temps and trying to take the time to learn a little, about our cycles, about the process in general.
My biggest issues is that there is so much information out there, how much of it is misinformation, how much is accurate or even relevant.
Case in point: yesterday at work someone brought cheesecake in for their birthday. My two pregnant co-workers wanted to know if it was safe to have something made with cream cheese, as you are supposed to avoid soft cheese.
A Google search revealed a million different opinions as to whether by soft cheese they mean only soft mould cheese, like camembert or brie, or any soft cheese.
I feel like its impossible to sort the wheat from the chaff, to use a very old phrase. How do you work out what's relevant? And more importantly, what's right?
So even though I'm done with my studies for the summer, my education continues...
Sunday 4 November 2007
:(
We were right. No joy this month.
But this time, I'm not crushed. We have a plan about what to do next. Keep tracking temps, make sure I am ovulating and exactly when. It may be just that we haven't had the timing right yet. I think I have finally come to the acceptance that this is not going to happen yesterday. But hopefully, eventually, we will succeed. And that's ok.
We're taking a break next month to concentrate on exams and observing everything, as well as getting my health and fitness on track and maybe seeing another, better doctor. If all goes right, we'll try again just before Christmas.
I didn't even need Cookie Cream Commotion! No need for a hug in a bowl (that pales in comparison to the hugs I get regularly from LB and Princess anyway, not to mention the kisses from LB...) I must be finally growing up.
But this time, I'm not crushed. We have a plan about what to do next. Keep tracking temps, make sure I am ovulating and exactly when. It may be just that we haven't had the timing right yet. I think I have finally come to the acceptance that this is not going to happen yesterday. But hopefully, eventually, we will succeed. And that's ok.
We're taking a break next month to concentrate on exams and observing everything, as well as getting my health and fitness on track and maybe seeing another, better doctor. If all goes right, we'll try again just before Christmas.
I didn't even need Cookie Cream Commotion! No need for a hug in a bowl (that pales in comparison to the hugs I get regularly from LB and Princess anyway, not to mention the kisses from LB...) I must be finally growing up.
Friday 2 November 2007
still waiting
two weeks later and still waiting. we should know in the next few days. still logically thinking that it's extremely unlikely, but irrationally hoping like hell that we're wrong!
in other news, indigo girls was awesome! had a great time at concert, then at a signing the next day where we literally sat at their feet and watched them play - sad, i know. we were being good little lesbian groupies. LB was hilarious the whole time, and it was great to be surrounded by so many other lesbians. it's nice to feel safe and comfortable and in the majority.
i think i may have to marry our accountant (even though he's male old and most likely already married...) we have been so worried about taxes because we didn't do a return last year, but he's come through with the goods and we've ended up a few thousand ahead. Add that to the nice little savings account we have to cover the massive tax debt that we thought we'd have and it all equals HOLIDAYS!
We're going to take Princess to Queensland to the theme parks. Even fly up there and stay in an apartment, not a tent. oh the luxury. We're going to give her the tickets for Christmas - I just can't wait to see her face... she's been asking for this for so long, and it's been a tough year for all of us. And then we're going to organise for Princess to go to her various grandparents' for another week and LB and I are going on a romantic getaway! Probably just to Tassie or somewhere equally unromantic, but it will be just the two of us, for a week, with no work or study or kids or animals or TTC to think about. Can't wait.
So, still crossing fingers, but allowing myself to be distracted by other exciting things. And I just bought Sim City 4 too - I am such a nerd but I love it! Distraction is my friend during the TWW, even though I should be studying for impending exams.
in other news, indigo girls was awesome! had a great time at concert, then at a signing the next day where we literally sat at their feet and watched them play - sad, i know. we were being good little lesbian groupies. LB was hilarious the whole time, and it was great to be surrounded by so many other lesbians. it's nice to feel safe and comfortable and in the majority.
i think i may have to marry our accountant (even though he's male old and most likely already married...) we have been so worried about taxes because we didn't do a return last year, but he's come through with the goods and we've ended up a few thousand ahead. Add that to the nice little savings account we have to cover the massive tax debt that we thought we'd have and it all equals HOLIDAYS!
We're going to take Princess to Queensland to the theme parks. Even fly up there and stay in an apartment, not a tent. oh the luxury. We're going to give her the tickets for Christmas - I just can't wait to see her face... she's been asking for this for so long, and it's been a tough year for all of us. And then we're going to organise for Princess to go to her various grandparents' for another week and LB and I are going on a romantic getaway! Probably just to Tassie or somewhere equally unromantic, but it will be just the two of us, for a week, with no work or study or kids or animals or TTC to think about. Can't wait.
So, still crossing fingers, but allowing myself to be distracted by other exciting things. And I just bought Sim City 4 too - I am such a nerd but I love it! Distraction is my friend during the TWW, even though I should be studying for impending exams.
Friday 26 October 2007
A secret....
Even though I mostly feel that there is no way that I'm pregnant this month, I'm still hoping.
And for the record, I'm really excited about going to the Indigo Girls with LB tonight!
And for the record, I'm really excited about going to the Indigo Girls with LB tonight!
Thursday 25 October 2007
Emotional blackmail
WTF am I supposed to say? Really.
I've been threatened with grumpy Clark for the Indigo Girls concert tomorrow night if I don't produce a blog. Hence the title.
The Indigo Girls concert that I've been waiting for like 10 years to get to. Because I had tickets to both local concerts for their last scheduled tour until Amy Ray got appendicitis and the tour was cancelled. So there's no way in hell that I'm jeopardising this.
This concert has been one of the main things getting me through the last few months. Between work and study and TTC, its quite frankly been a shit time.
And now its finally tomorrow night and I'm finally going to get to SEE THE INDIGO GIRLS and so I can post a little blog. Right?
Of course, I should be studying.
So C is going to expect some deep and probably existential blog in reply to her last effort. But I just don't think I have the brain or emotional capacity to deal with those issues right now.
I'm not sure that I am ready to truly consider subjecting my body to that. Pain is NOT my friend. Nor is discomfort, nausea, or any of the other things that go along with pregnancy.
And quite frankly, I don't want to put my life on hold for 40 weeks. After exams, I want to eat right and lose weight and get fit and start running again. Seriously. I want to do the Mother's Day classic and the Run to the G and maybe even the Melbourne Marathon. And Day Around the Bay and possibly even the Great Victorian Bike Ride.
I want to be able to go to Pump and whatever gym classes I feel like.
And all that seems impossible with a bun in the oven.
I don't know quite how C is reconciling that now. Its always that quandry during the TWW. Should she go to training, if she does should she run, if she runs how far? It feels like a never-ending question. And I'm not sure I'm happy with doing that.
Anway, there's my first post. When I have a bit more brain space that's not being used for Accounting Theory and Introduction to Commercial Law, then I'll have a few more things to say.
Until then, please if there's any "higher being" out there, PLEASE let me pass my exams!
I've been threatened with grumpy Clark for the Indigo Girls concert tomorrow night if I don't produce a blog. Hence the title.
The Indigo Girls concert that I've been waiting for like 10 years to get to. Because I had tickets to both local concerts for their last scheduled tour until Amy Ray got appendicitis and the tour was cancelled. So there's no way in hell that I'm jeopardising this.
This concert has been one of the main things getting me through the last few months. Between work and study and TTC, its quite frankly been a shit time.
And now its finally tomorrow night and I'm finally going to get to SEE THE INDIGO GIRLS and so I can post a little blog. Right?
Of course, I should be studying.
So C is going to expect some deep and probably existential blog in reply to her last effort. But I just don't think I have the brain or emotional capacity to deal with those issues right now.
I'm not sure that I am ready to truly consider subjecting my body to that. Pain is NOT my friend. Nor is discomfort, nausea, or any of the other things that go along with pregnancy.
And quite frankly, I don't want to put my life on hold for 40 weeks. After exams, I want to eat right and lose weight and get fit and start running again. Seriously. I want to do the Mother's Day classic and the Run to the G and maybe even the Melbourne Marathon. And Day Around the Bay and possibly even the Great Victorian Bike Ride.
I want to be able to go to Pump and whatever gym classes I feel like.
And all that seems impossible with a bun in the oven.
I don't know quite how C is reconciling that now. Its always that quandry during the TWW. Should she go to training, if she does should she run, if she runs how far? It feels like a never-ending question. And I'm not sure I'm happy with doing that.
Anway, there's my first post. When I have a bit more brain space that's not being used for Accounting Theory and Introduction to Commercial Law, then I'll have a few more things to say.
Until then, please if there's any "higher being" out there, PLEASE let me pass my exams!
Pessimism and Decisions and Musings
Almost one week in. Theoretically, if anything is happening at all, implantation would be occurring sometime in next few days. But I don't think it is. I think I will get my period on Sunday 4th November or thereabouts.
We've been monitoring my temperature. And it's not doing anything at all like it should be. If the temps are correct, I haven't ovulated at all. So it would be impossible to be pregnant. But then again, we haven't been doing it at exactly the same time every day, which can make the whole process useless. So today we started waking at 530 to do so and will keep doing that to make sure it's accurate. And I did get a positive ovulation prediction kit result - which means that I did have an LH surge, which usually indicates ovulation. Who knows? We're both really frustrated that we can't just see a doctor to check something so simple - am I actually ovulating? We have to go through 10 -12 unsuccessful attempts before a doctor will even think about checking anything.
We also came to another big decision. We're going to start tracking LB's cycles and taking her temps. When we've worked out where she is at, we might alternate attempts. Or just give up on trying with me and start trying to get LB knocked up. This is a huge step for both of us. I have always wanted to have another child, and would dearly love to be pregnant again. I want to have a pregnancy that I can enjoy and share with the person I love. But there's no reason that it has to be me that's pregnant, is there? LB has never even contemplated getting pregnant herself, and giving birth. I think she's more than a bit scared and freaked out by the prospect. I do know that it doesn't matter a bit to either of us who gives birth to our child, or who is genetically related. Won't make us love our child any less. It's just a big leap for us, having had different expectations for so long. Would I be able to deal with watching LB do something that I so desperately want to do? (it's not just about having a child, it's about the process).
And what about everyone else? Would I be able to deal with not having any legal rights or responsibilities to do with PBX? (Yet somehow I can rationalise that I expect LB to be ok with that...) Would Princess understand that this was her sister or brother? Would my extended family (and friends) accept the child as mine as well as LB's? I'm fairly sure that my mother and stepfather would be deal with it well - they respect the fact that LB is Princess's parent too, and this would be no different. But not my father. Or my brother. Or my sister. Not that I speak to my siblings much at all, but they still matter to me. The same issues don't apply in reverse, because LB doesn't have any contact with her family at all. Or do they? I wonder if LB ever feels like she's not considered Princess's parent (apart than according to the law, that is, cos the law is sucky). Or if she worries that about PBX if I was to get pregnant? More discussions to have... It would be a new frontier for me, being a non-bio mum. And so radically different to what we already have.
But it would be really great to have a son or daughter with LB's beautiful eyes....
We've been monitoring my temperature. And it's not doing anything at all like it should be. If the temps are correct, I haven't ovulated at all. So it would be impossible to be pregnant. But then again, we haven't been doing it at exactly the same time every day, which can make the whole process useless. So today we started waking at 530 to do so and will keep doing that to make sure it's accurate. And I did get a positive ovulation prediction kit result - which means that I did have an LH surge, which usually indicates ovulation. Who knows? We're both really frustrated that we can't just see a doctor to check something so simple - am I actually ovulating? We have to go through 10 -12 unsuccessful attempts before a doctor will even think about checking anything.
We also came to another big decision. We're going to start tracking LB's cycles and taking her temps. When we've worked out where she is at, we might alternate attempts. Or just give up on trying with me and start trying to get LB knocked up. This is a huge step for both of us. I have always wanted to have another child, and would dearly love to be pregnant again. I want to have a pregnancy that I can enjoy and share with the person I love. But there's no reason that it has to be me that's pregnant, is there? LB has never even contemplated getting pregnant herself, and giving birth. I think she's more than a bit scared and freaked out by the prospect. I do know that it doesn't matter a bit to either of us who gives birth to our child, or who is genetically related. Won't make us love our child any less. It's just a big leap for us, having had different expectations for so long. Would I be able to deal with watching LB do something that I so desperately want to do? (it's not just about having a child, it's about the process).
And what about everyone else? Would I be able to deal with not having any legal rights or responsibilities to do with PBX? (Yet somehow I can rationalise that I expect LB to be ok with that...) Would Princess understand that this was her sister or brother? Would my extended family (and friends) accept the child as mine as well as LB's? I'm fairly sure that my mother and stepfather would be deal with it well - they respect the fact that LB is Princess's parent too, and this would be no different. But not my father. Or my brother. Or my sister. Not that I speak to my siblings much at all, but they still matter to me. The same issues don't apply in reverse, because LB doesn't have any contact with her family at all. Or do they? I wonder if LB ever feels like she's not considered Princess's parent (apart than according to the law, that is, cos the law is sucky). Or if she worries that about PBX if I was to get pregnant? More discussions to have... It would be a new frontier for me, being a non-bio mum. And so radically different to what we already have.
But it would be really great to have a son or daughter with LB's beautiful eyes....
Friday 19 October 2007
The wait begins
It's done. Two inseminations, and hopefully I'll be ovulating sometime today. Crossing fingers and toes and everything else that it works this time.
Princess put a spanner in the works for the insemination this morning though - she is still home from school sick. It's amazing what you can do quietly when she's resting in her room reading a book!
Flights were crazy for J again. Last night's was all good, we picked him up on time from the middle of nowhere (Avalon), had a lovely dinner and did what we needed to do. In worrying about all the logistics though, we had actually forgotten to make sure we had the essential tools - lucky that J is organised!
Then his flight this morning was cancelled. That wasn't so bad, because it gave us more time between inseminations but then we had the logistics of dealing with Princess who wasn't at school like we had planned!
So we had a leisurely breakfast, hung out and chatted for a while. J, who is a physio, also worked on Princess's back and lungs to help the coughing. After we all 'had a rest' in our various rooms, we dropped J off to catch a cab to the airport while we all went to the accountant (which was much less scary than expected, due to a funny and relaxed accountant with a very large and amusing grey and ginger moustache). So J got to the airport on time, but then there was no seats left on the flight! Another delay. We are lucky that he's so relaxed about such things, and doesn't get stressed or annoyed by it.
So now we're all home and exhausted. And I'm tired of waiting already! I hate the two week wait! LB says that there's going to be trouble if I start behaving like an infant about it now.... But I don't want to behave like an infant, I want to grow one!
Princess put a spanner in the works for the insemination this morning though - she is still home from school sick. It's amazing what you can do quietly when she's resting in her room reading a book!
Flights were crazy for J again. Last night's was all good, we picked him up on time from the middle of nowhere (Avalon), had a lovely dinner and did what we needed to do. In worrying about all the logistics though, we had actually forgotten to make sure we had the essential tools - lucky that J is organised!
Then his flight this morning was cancelled. That wasn't so bad, because it gave us more time between inseminations but then we had the logistics of dealing with Princess who wasn't at school like we had planned!
So we had a leisurely breakfast, hung out and chatted for a while. J, who is a physio, also worked on Princess's back and lungs to help the coughing. After we all 'had a rest' in our various rooms, we dropped J off to catch a cab to the airport while we all went to the accountant (which was much less scary than expected, due to a funny and relaxed accountant with a very large and amusing grey and ginger moustache). So J got to the airport on time, but then there was no seats left on the flight! Another delay. We are lucky that he's so relaxed about such things, and doesn't get stressed or annoyed by it.
So now we're all home and exhausted. And I'm tired of waiting already! I hate the two week wait! LB says that there's going to be trouble if I start behaving like an infant about it now.... But I don't want to behave like an infant, I want to grow one!
Thursday 18 October 2007
Here we go again
It's starting again!
I got a positive ovulation test this morning, despite all the stressing yesterday. Within an hour of that, flights and a hotel were booked for J and arrangements were made for Princess to go to her Dad's tonight. And I succeeded in thoroughly stressing myself out yet again.
At least all the stressing has perhaps led to something good - I've finally started properly charting my cycle, with temperatures and all. Hopefully this will have been a completely redundant act because in a few weeks we'll be pregnant, but in the more probable case that that doesn't happen, at least we will be more prepared next time than relying solely on Ovulation tests and haphazard observations.
Princess is sick. Nothing serious, so not too much worrying about a cold. But it's a cold that has so far required three days off school. No school, no work for me. No work, no money. Oh well, the joys of being parents...... and we want to do it all over again!
I had planned to have today and tomorrow off work anyway in order to keep my stress levels down for this next attempt. I had envisaged myself in some state of zen calm throughout these days.. HA! Add a sick kid, two uni assignments that just won't do themselves despite much hoping, and a tax realisation - Oh no, really gotta get those returns in for the last two years before we're out of time for this year too... I think I need to stop stressing about being stressed. That's just life. Our lives anyway.
So in the next 24 hours I plan to:
I got a positive ovulation test this morning, despite all the stressing yesterday. Within an hour of that, flights and a hotel were booked for J and arrangements were made for Princess to go to her Dad's tonight. And I succeeded in thoroughly stressing myself out yet again.
At least all the stressing has perhaps led to something good - I've finally started properly charting my cycle, with temperatures and all. Hopefully this will have been a completely redundant act because in a few weeks we'll be pregnant, but in the more probable case that that doesn't happen, at least we will be more prepared next time than relying solely on Ovulation tests and haphazard observations.
Princess is sick. Nothing serious, so not too much worrying about a cold. But it's a cold that has so far required three days off school. No school, no work for me. No work, no money. Oh well, the joys of being parents...... and we want to do it all over again!
I had planned to have today and tomorrow off work anyway in order to keep my stress levels down for this next attempt. I had envisaged myself in some state of zen calm throughout these days.. HA! Add a sick kid, two uni assignments that just won't do themselves despite much hoping, and a tax realisation - Oh no, really gotta get those returns in for the last two years before we're out of time for this year too... I think I need to stop stressing about being stressed. That's just life. Our lives anyway.
So in the next 24 hours I plan to:
- Finish one uni assignment (which involves actually starting it!)
- Make a good start on a second uni assignment (just choosing the topic would be good)
- Miraculously make our daughter's cold disappear (bed rest, water, enforced naps!)
- Have beautiful but smelly dog washed
- Go for a run!
- Drop off Princess and Pick up J from airport
- Have dinner with J and LB
- Do two inseminations (one tonight, one tomorrow morning)
- Get J back to airport
- Organise tax stuff (which LB has pretty much already done cos I'm hopeless with $ and she's really clever)
- Get to accountant to face the music (and the fines)
Wednesday 17 October 2007
Riding the Rollercoaster
We're about to embark our fourth attempt at creating a PBX and I've finally got around to creating this blog!
Despite adding to the multitude of lesbian baby making blogs out there, and thus subscribing to yet another lesbian stereotype (we're really good at that!), we want to have a space to remember the ups and downs of this process, and to eventually share with others in our life.
I will attempt to go back in time over the next while to document how we got to where we are now - deciding to have another baby, finding a donor and all the pitfalls that go with that, and the first three attempts complete with crushing disappointment, self-doubt and stress.
I should be ovulating tomorrow according to calculations. J, our donor, is poised ready to catch a flight to come down for the occasion should my body decide to cooperate (I should mention at this point that it frequently does not!). This is the exciting and optimistic part. Assuming that we manage to pinpoint when ovulation will approximately occur, J and LB and I, and sometimes Princess, will have dinner and good conversation, then J will disappear into the spare room. That's the awkward part! Though it is getting easier with each attempt. By this time, LB and
I are ensconced in our room, 'getting ready'. J will hand off a syringe filled with little swimmers to LB, who will come back to me and hopefully we'll create a PBX!
And then the interminable two week wait (which can take more than 3 weeks) begins. That's the hard part, especially for me given my impatience and need for instant gratification. During that time, LB and I overanalyse every little thing that I feel and that may or may not be different about me, my moods, my body. The last three times have ended in afore mentioned crushing disappointment, requiring the need for cookie cream commotion, tears and our own little pity party.
But that may not happen this time! Right now, optimism reigns, along with uncertainty and stress (is the timing right, and am i relaxed enough, can we sort out the logistics?).
Now if only we could correctly interpret what those lines mean.... Was that a LH surge? Why are the lines getting lighter instead of darker? Did we miss ovulation? Why would I have ovulated already? it's only day 12 and I usually don't get a LH surge until day 13... Oh no, gotta relax, stop stressing...... STOP BRAIN STOP!
Despite adding to the multitude of lesbian baby making blogs out there, and thus subscribing to yet another lesbian stereotype (we're really good at that!), we want to have a space to remember the ups and downs of this process, and to eventually share with others in our life.
I will attempt to go back in time over the next while to document how we got to where we are now - deciding to have another baby, finding a donor and all the pitfalls that go with that, and the first three attempts complete with crushing disappointment, self-doubt and stress.
I should be ovulating tomorrow according to calculations. J, our donor, is poised ready to catch a flight to come down for the occasion should my body decide to cooperate (I should mention at this point that it frequently does not!). This is the exciting and optimistic part. Assuming that we manage to pinpoint when ovulation will approximately occur, J and LB and I, and sometimes Princess, will have dinner and good conversation, then J will disappear into the spare room. That's the awkward part! Though it is getting easier with each attempt. By this time, LB and
I are ensconced in our room, 'getting ready'. J will hand off a syringe filled with little swimmers to LB, who will come back to me and hopefully we'll create a PBX!
And then the interminable two week wait (which can take more than 3 weeks) begins. That's the hard part, especially for me given my impatience and need for instant gratification. During that time, LB and I overanalyse every little thing that I feel and that may or may not be different about me, my moods, my body. The last three times have ended in afore mentioned crushing disappointment, requiring the need for cookie cream commotion, tears and our own little pity party.
But that may not happen this time! Right now, optimism reigns, along with uncertainty and stress (is the timing right, and am i relaxed enough, can we sort out the logistics?).
Now if only we could correctly interpret what those lines mean.... Was that a LH surge? Why are the lines getting lighter instead of darker? Did we miss ovulation? Why would I have ovulated already? it's only day 12 and I usually don't get a LH surge until day 13... Oh no, gotta relax, stop stressing...... STOP BRAIN STOP!
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