My sister and I are no longer speaking. I haven't seen her for a long time now.
She is six years younger than me, and has throughout my life, been both like my best friend and my first child. That she is no longer in my life aches like a broken limb.
She got married this year. And I didn't go. And despite requests, didn't let Princess be a flower girl, or even attend. My sister married a guy who abused me, my partner and made my child hysterical. He abused us verbally a number of times and repeatedly made homophobic comments in our presence despite polite and calm requests not to. Princess is scared of him. And I hate that I don't know if that is because of what he's done or because of what I've said (not to her, but in her presence). I thought I was better than that.
My sister has a daughter. She turned one recently. I have seen her twice, and one time when I ran into them at a shopping centre and my sister could not ignore me like she wanted to because our father was with them. I am not likely to see my niece again. That hurts so bad. But not as much as the thought that my sister will never again be a part of my life. Because of choices that I have made. I miss her so much.
I sent my niece some gifts when she turned one. My sister replied with a letter saying thanks but don't do it again or they will be returned. She is so hurt that I didn't attend her wedding that she says ' I just wish for you not to be a part of my life'.
So now I''m drunk. I haven't drank anything in months because I've been focussed on staying healthy to get my body ready for a PBX. But now I'm drunk because I hurt. And I hate myself for being so weak.
I miss my sister.
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3 comments:
Awh....you have no idea how much I understand that. I'm so very sorry. I know how badly that hurts...to the core.
Hugs!
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