A secret....

Even though I mostly feel that there is no way that I'm pregnant this month, I'm still hoping.

And for the record, I'm really excited about going to the Indigo Girls with LB tonight!

Emotional blackmail

WTF am I supposed to say? Really.
I've been threatened with grumpy Clark for the Indigo Girls concert tomorrow night if I don't produce a blog. Hence the title.
The Indigo Girls concert that I've been waiting for like 10 years to get to. Because I had tickets to both local concerts for their last scheduled tour until Amy Ray got appendicitis and the tour was cancelled. So there's no way in hell that I'm jeopardising this.
This concert has been one of the main things getting me through the last few months. Between work and study and TTC, its quite frankly been a shit time.
And now its finally tomorrow night and I'm finally going to get to SEE THE INDIGO GIRLS and so I can post a little blog. Right?
Of course, I should be studying.
So C is going to expect some deep and probably existential blog in reply to her last effort. But I just don't think I have the brain or emotional capacity to deal with those issues right now.
I'm not sure that I am ready to truly consider subjecting my body to that. Pain is NOT my friend. Nor is discomfort, nausea, or any of the other things that go along with pregnancy.
And quite frankly, I don't want to put my life on hold for 40 weeks. After exams, I want to eat right and lose weight and get fit and start running again. Seriously. I want to do the Mother's Day classic and the Run to the G and maybe even the Melbourne Marathon. And Day Around the Bay and possibly even the Great Victorian Bike Ride.
I want to be able to go to Pump and whatever gym classes I feel like.
And all that seems impossible with a bun in the oven.
I don't know quite how C is reconciling that now. Its always that quandry during the TWW. Should she go to training, if she does should she run, if she runs how far? It feels like a never-ending question. And I'm not sure I'm happy with doing that.
Anway, there's my first post. When I have a bit more brain space that's not being used for Accounting Theory and Introduction to Commercial Law, then I'll have a few more things to say.
Until then, please if there's any "higher being" out there, PLEASE let me pass my exams!

Pessimism and Decisions and Musings

Almost one week in. Theoretically, if anything is happening at all, implantation would be occurring sometime in next few days. But I don't think it is. I think I will get my period on Sunday 4th November or thereabouts.

We've been monitoring my temperature. And it's not doing anything at all like it should be. If the temps are correct, I haven't ovulated at all. So it would be impossible to be pregnant. But then again, we haven't been doing it at exactly the same time every day, which can make the whole process useless. So today we started waking at 530 to do so and will keep doing that to make sure it's accurate. And I did get a positive ovulation prediction kit result - which means that I did have an LH surge, which usually indicates ovulation. Who knows? We're both really frustrated that we can't just see a doctor to check something so simple - am I actually ovulating? We have to go through 10 -12 unsuccessful attempts before a doctor will even think about checking anything.

We also came to another big decision. We're going to start tracking LB's cycles and taking her temps. When we've worked out where she is at, we might alternate attempts. Or just give up on trying with me and start trying to get LB knocked up. This is a huge step for both of us. I have always wanted to have another child, and would dearly love to be pregnant again. I want to have a pregnancy that I can enjoy and share with the person I love. But there's no reason that it has to be me that's pregnant, is there? LB has never even contemplated getting pregnant herself, and giving birth. I think she's more than a bit scared and freaked out by the prospect. I do know that it doesn't matter a bit to either of us who gives birth to our child, or who is genetically related. Won't make us love our child any less. It's just a big leap for us, having had different expectations for so long. Would I be able to deal with watching LB do something that I so desperately want to do? (it's not just about having a child, it's about the process).

And what about everyone else? Would I be able to deal with not having any legal rights or responsibilities to do with PBX? (Yet somehow I can rationalise that I expect LB to be ok with that...) Would Princess understand that this was her sister or brother? Would my extended family (and friends) accept the child as mine as well as LB's? I'm fairly sure that my mother and stepfather would be deal with it well - they respect the fact that LB is Princess's parent too, and this would be no different. But not my father. Or my brother. Or my sister. Not that I speak to my siblings much at all, but they still matter to me. The same issues don't apply in reverse, because LB doesn't have any contact with her family at all. Or do they? I wonder if LB ever feels like she's not considered Princess's parent (apart than according to the law, that is, cos the law is sucky). Or if she worries that about PBX if I was to get pregnant? More discussions to have... It would be a new frontier for me, being a non-bio mum. And so radically different to what we already have.

But it would be really great to have a son or daughter with LB's beautiful eyes....

The wait begins

It's done. Two inseminations, and hopefully I'll be ovulating sometime today. Crossing fingers and toes and everything else that it works this time.

Princess put a spanner in the works for the insemination this morning though - she is still home from school sick. It's amazing what you can do quietly when she's resting in her room reading a book!

Flights were crazy for J again. Last night's was all good, we picked him up on time from the middle of nowhere (Avalon), had a lovely dinner and did what we needed to do. In worrying about all the logistics though, we had actually forgotten to make sure we had the essential tools - lucky that J is organised!

Then his flight this morning was cancelled. That wasn't so bad, because it gave us more time between inseminations but then we had the logistics of dealing with Princess who wasn't at school like we had planned!

So we had a leisurely breakfast, hung out and chatted for a while. J, who is a physio, also worked on Princess's back and lungs to help the coughing. After we all 'had a rest' in our various rooms, we dropped J off to catch a cab to the airport while we all went to the accountant (which was much less scary than expected, due to a funny and relaxed accountant with a very large and amusing grey and ginger moustache). So J got to the airport on time, but then there was no seats left on the flight! Another delay. We are lucky that he's so relaxed about such things, and doesn't get stressed or annoyed by it.

So now we're all home and exhausted. And I'm tired of waiting already! I hate the two week wait! LB says that there's going to be trouble if I start behaving like an infant about it now.... But I don't want to behave like an infant, I want to grow one!

Here we go again

It's starting again!

I got a positive ovulation test this morning, despite all the stressing yesterday. Within an hour of that, flights and a hotel were booked for J and arrangements were made for Princess to go to her Dad's tonight. And I succeeded in thoroughly stressing myself out yet again.

At least all the stressing has perhaps led to something good - I've finally started properly charting my cycle, with temperatures and all. Hopefully this will have been a completely redundant act because in a few weeks we'll be pregnant, but in the more probable case that that doesn't happen, at least we will be more prepared next time than relying solely on Ovulation tests and haphazard observations.

Princess is sick. Nothing serious, so not too much worrying about a cold. But it's a cold that has so far required three days off school. No school, no work for me. No work, no money. Oh well, the joys of being parents...... and we want to do it all over again!

I had planned to have today and tomorrow off work anyway in order to keep my stress levels down for this next attempt. I had envisaged myself in some state of zen calm throughout these days.. HA! Add a sick kid, two uni assignments that just won't do themselves despite much hoping, and a tax realisation - Oh no, really gotta get those returns in for the last two years before we're out of time for this year too... I think I need to stop stressing about being stressed. That's just life. Our lives anyway.

So in the next 24 hours I plan to:

• Finish one uni assignment (which involves actually starting it!)
• Make a good start on a second uni assignment (just choosing the topic would be good)
  
• Miraculously make our daughter's cold disappear (bed rest, water, enforced naps!)
• Have beautiful but smelly dog washed
• Go for a run!
  
• Drop off Princess and Pick up J from airport
  
• Have dinner with J and LB
• Do two inseminations (one tonight, one tomorrow morning)
• Get J back to airport
• Organise tax stuff (which LB has pretty much already done cos I'm hopeless with $ and she's really clever)
• Get to accountant to face the music (and the fines)

I think I need a nap just thinking about it all.....

Riding the Rollercoaster

We're about to embark our fourth attempt at creating a PBX and I've finally got around to creating this blog!

Despite adding to the multitude of lesbian baby making blogs out there, and thus subscribing to yet another lesbian stereotype (we're really good at that!), we want to have a space to remember the ups and downs of this process, and to eventually share with others in our life.

I will attempt to go back in time over the next while to document how we got to where we are now - deciding to have another baby, finding a donor and all the pitfalls that go with that, and the first three attempts complete with crushing disappointment, self-doubt and stress.

I should be ovulating tomorrow according to calculations. J, our donor, is poised ready to catch a flight to come down for the occasion should my body decide to cooperate (I should mention at this point that it frequently does not!). This is the exciting and optimistic part. Assuming that we manage to pinpoint when ovulation will approximately occur, J and LB and I, and sometimes Princess, will have dinner and good conversation, then J will disappear into the spare room. That's the awkward part! Though it is getting easier with each attempt. By this time, LB and
I are ensconced in our room, 'getting ready'. J will hand off a syringe filled with little swimmers to LB, who will come back to me and hopefully we'll create a PBX!

And then the interminable two week wait (which can take more than 3 weeks) begins. That's the hard part, especially for me given my impatience and need for instant gratification. During that time, LB and I overanalyse every little thing that I feel and that may or may not be different about me, my moods, my body. The last three times have ended in afore mentioned crushing disappointment, requiring the need for cookie cream commotion, tears and our own little pity party.

But that may not happen this time! Right now, optimism reigns, along with uncertainty and stress (is the timing right, and am i relaxed enough, can we sort out the logistics?).

Now if only we could correctly interpret what those lines mean.... Was that a LH surge? Why are the lines getting lighter instead of darker? Did we miss ovulation? Why would I have ovulated already? it's only day 12 and I usually don't get a LH surge until day 13... Oh no, gotta relax, stop stressing...... STOP BRAIN STOP!