Wow! We have a new government. I tried really hard not to get excited or optimistic about this election after being so crushed last time. I even tried to ignore all of the extremely positive polls beforehand. But I didn't need to do that - our old government was thoroughly trounced, as I think it completely deserved. Now I just have to not think about the fact that the new government's policies about gay rights are less than ideal. At least they're better, and will apparently do more for us, even if not all we want. Aside from gay rights, I believe this new government is nothing but good news for Australia, and hopefully we'll start moving in a better direction from now on.
I ovulated this month! At least my chart at fertility friend says I did, which is better than the month before! It was much later than I would have expected, but at least it happened. So we're going to attempt to try again next month. If J is available though, because I should ovulate sometime in the week before Christmas.
I am feeling good about our next efforts, because I feel that we know so much more now. This month off has been difficult, especially when I knew that I was ovulating, but I think we used it wisely. We have been closely tracking both of our cycles (and both seem to be doing what they should). I have finished my academic year, and have made lots of decisions about next year, including ways to reduce stress and workload. In short, I'm going to be working only 3 days per week next year, two days with my current IR/marketing job, and one day as a nanny to two of my little guys. The other two days are for me and for my family. To study, to hang out with Princess, to keep things organised for all of us.
I am so looking forward to getting off the mouse wheel. And I want to be optimistic about next month, but I'm afraid of the disappointment that another unsuccessful attempt will bring. LB is going through a negative phase where she feels like it's never going to happen. I'm vacillating. But I have to hold on the hope that we'll get there one day.
Monday 26 November 2007
Tuesday 13 November 2007
I miss my sister
My sister and I are no longer speaking. I haven't seen her for a long time now.
She is six years younger than me, and has throughout my life, been both like my best friend and my first child. That she is no longer in my life aches like a broken limb.
She got married this year. And I didn't go. And despite requests, didn't let Princess be a flower girl, or even attend. My sister married a guy who abused me, my partner and made my child hysterical. He abused us verbally a number of times and repeatedly made homophobic comments in our presence despite polite and calm requests not to. Princess is scared of him. And I hate that I don't know if that is because of what he's done or because of what I've said (not to her, but in her presence). I thought I was better than that.
My sister has a daughter. She turned one recently. I have seen her twice, and one time when I ran into them at a shopping centre and my sister could not ignore me like she wanted to because our father was with them. I am not likely to see my niece again. That hurts so bad. But not as much as the thought that my sister will never again be a part of my life. Because of choices that I have made. I miss her so much.
I sent my niece some gifts when she turned one. My sister replied with a letter saying thanks but don't do it again or they will be returned. She is so hurt that I didn't attend her wedding that she says ' I just wish for you not to be a part of my life'.
So now I''m drunk. I haven't drank anything in months because I've been focussed on staying healthy to get my body ready for a PBX. But now I'm drunk because I hurt. And I hate myself for being so weak.
I miss my sister.
She is six years younger than me, and has throughout my life, been both like my best friend and my first child. That she is no longer in my life aches like a broken limb.
She got married this year. And I didn't go. And despite requests, didn't let Princess be a flower girl, or even attend. My sister married a guy who abused me, my partner and made my child hysterical. He abused us verbally a number of times and repeatedly made homophobic comments in our presence despite polite and calm requests not to. Princess is scared of him. And I hate that I don't know if that is because of what he's done or because of what I've said (not to her, but in her presence). I thought I was better than that.
My sister has a daughter. She turned one recently. I have seen her twice, and one time when I ran into them at a shopping centre and my sister could not ignore me like she wanted to because our father was with them. I am not likely to see my niece again. That hurts so bad. But not as much as the thought that my sister will never again be a part of my life. Because of choices that I have made. I miss her so much.
I sent my niece some gifts when she turned one. My sister replied with a letter saying thanks but don't do it again or they will be returned. She is so hurt that I didn't attend her wedding that she says ' I just wish for you not to be a part of my life'.
So now I''m drunk. I haven't drank anything in months because I've been focussed on staying healthy to get my body ready for a PBX. But now I'm drunk because I hurt. And I hate myself for being so weak.
I miss my sister.
Saturday 10 November 2007
Education
C deals with some people who are shaping up to be very bad parents because they are parenting "on instinct" and won't read up on parenting issues etc.
I feel like for the last 4 to 6 months we've been TTC "on instinct", and therein lies the problem. I am the sort of person who likes to read up and have all the facts before I embark on anything. The whole TTC thing kind of all happened without any planning.
That's not true.
Our current state of TTC with J has been a bit ad hoc, but saying it happened without planning is not exactly true.
As a bit of back story:
We've been talking about having a baby for a few years now. We'd really only been together a year, maybe even less, before C started making those kinds of noises. And it took me a damn long time to get my head around that.
First instinct: no fucking way.
But then is that fair? And if I say no, then does that jeopardise the relationship? Because with acceptance often comes resentment.
And then there's the drama of actually finding a donor. We emailed with a few guys that we were put in contact with through notice boards. We even met one, but he turned out to be a complete lowlife who used to make prank calls and generally be obnoxious, so that didn't work out.
About a year after that incident (because that really soured the whole idea for us for some time) we hit another noticeboard, and lo and behold came across J, who is a truly nice guy. And because C was so desperate to have things happen RIGHT NOW (instant gratification comes nowhere near describing her), we just kind of rushed in and blundered through, and have been having no success.
So now, as C said, we are taking a break for a month and tracking temps and trying to take the time to learn a little, about our cycles, about the process in general.
My biggest issues is that there is so much information out there, how much of it is misinformation, how much is accurate or even relevant.
Case in point: yesterday at work someone brought cheesecake in for their birthday. My two pregnant co-workers wanted to know if it was safe to have something made with cream cheese, as you are supposed to avoid soft cheese.
A Google search revealed a million different opinions as to whether by soft cheese they mean only soft mould cheese, like camembert or brie, or any soft cheese.
I feel like its impossible to sort the wheat from the chaff, to use a very old phrase. How do you work out what's relevant? And more importantly, what's right?
So even though I'm done with my studies for the summer, my education continues...
I feel like for the last 4 to 6 months we've been TTC "on instinct", and therein lies the problem. I am the sort of person who likes to read up and have all the facts before I embark on anything. The whole TTC thing kind of all happened without any planning.
That's not true.
Our current state of TTC with J has been a bit ad hoc, but saying it happened without planning is not exactly true.
As a bit of back story:
We've been talking about having a baby for a few years now. We'd really only been together a year, maybe even less, before C started making those kinds of noises. And it took me a damn long time to get my head around that.
First instinct: no fucking way.
But then is that fair? And if I say no, then does that jeopardise the relationship? Because with acceptance often comes resentment.
And then there's the drama of actually finding a donor. We emailed with a few guys that we were put in contact with through notice boards. We even met one, but he turned out to be a complete lowlife who used to make prank calls and generally be obnoxious, so that didn't work out.
About a year after that incident (because that really soured the whole idea for us for some time) we hit another noticeboard, and lo and behold came across J, who is a truly nice guy. And because C was so desperate to have things happen RIGHT NOW (instant gratification comes nowhere near describing her), we just kind of rushed in and blundered through, and have been having no success.
So now, as C said, we are taking a break for a month and tracking temps and trying to take the time to learn a little, about our cycles, about the process in general.
My biggest issues is that there is so much information out there, how much of it is misinformation, how much is accurate or even relevant.
Case in point: yesterday at work someone brought cheesecake in for their birthday. My two pregnant co-workers wanted to know if it was safe to have something made with cream cheese, as you are supposed to avoid soft cheese.
A Google search revealed a million different opinions as to whether by soft cheese they mean only soft mould cheese, like camembert or brie, or any soft cheese.
I feel like its impossible to sort the wheat from the chaff, to use a very old phrase. How do you work out what's relevant? And more importantly, what's right?
So even though I'm done with my studies for the summer, my education continues...
Sunday 4 November 2007
:(
We were right. No joy this month.
But this time, I'm not crushed. We have a plan about what to do next. Keep tracking temps, make sure I am ovulating and exactly when. It may be just that we haven't had the timing right yet. I think I have finally come to the acceptance that this is not going to happen yesterday. But hopefully, eventually, we will succeed. And that's ok.
We're taking a break next month to concentrate on exams and observing everything, as well as getting my health and fitness on track and maybe seeing another, better doctor. If all goes right, we'll try again just before Christmas.
I didn't even need Cookie Cream Commotion! No need for a hug in a bowl (that pales in comparison to the hugs I get regularly from LB and Princess anyway, not to mention the kisses from LB...) I must be finally growing up.
But this time, I'm not crushed. We have a plan about what to do next. Keep tracking temps, make sure I am ovulating and exactly when. It may be just that we haven't had the timing right yet. I think I have finally come to the acceptance that this is not going to happen yesterday. But hopefully, eventually, we will succeed. And that's ok.
We're taking a break next month to concentrate on exams and observing everything, as well as getting my health and fitness on track and maybe seeing another, better doctor. If all goes right, we'll try again just before Christmas.
I didn't even need Cookie Cream Commotion! No need for a hug in a bowl (that pales in comparison to the hugs I get regularly from LB and Princess anyway, not to mention the kisses from LB...) I must be finally growing up.
Friday 2 November 2007
still waiting
two weeks later and still waiting. we should know in the next few days. still logically thinking that it's extremely unlikely, but irrationally hoping like hell that we're wrong!
in other news, indigo girls was awesome! had a great time at concert, then at a signing the next day where we literally sat at their feet and watched them play - sad, i know. we were being good little lesbian groupies. LB was hilarious the whole time, and it was great to be surrounded by so many other lesbians. it's nice to feel safe and comfortable and in the majority.
i think i may have to marry our accountant (even though he's male old and most likely already married...) we have been so worried about taxes because we didn't do a return last year, but he's come through with the goods and we've ended up a few thousand ahead. Add that to the nice little savings account we have to cover the massive tax debt that we thought we'd have and it all equals HOLIDAYS!
We're going to take Princess to Queensland to the theme parks. Even fly up there and stay in an apartment, not a tent. oh the luxury. We're going to give her the tickets for Christmas - I just can't wait to see her face... she's been asking for this for so long, and it's been a tough year for all of us. And then we're going to organise for Princess to go to her various grandparents' for another week and LB and I are going on a romantic getaway! Probably just to Tassie or somewhere equally unromantic, but it will be just the two of us, for a week, with no work or study or kids or animals or TTC to think about. Can't wait.
So, still crossing fingers, but allowing myself to be distracted by other exciting things. And I just bought Sim City 4 too - I am such a nerd but I love it! Distraction is my friend during the TWW, even though I should be studying for impending exams.
in other news, indigo girls was awesome! had a great time at concert, then at a signing the next day where we literally sat at their feet and watched them play - sad, i know. we were being good little lesbian groupies. LB was hilarious the whole time, and it was great to be surrounded by so many other lesbians. it's nice to feel safe and comfortable and in the majority.
i think i may have to marry our accountant (even though he's male old and most likely already married...) we have been so worried about taxes because we didn't do a return last year, but he's come through with the goods and we've ended up a few thousand ahead. Add that to the nice little savings account we have to cover the massive tax debt that we thought we'd have and it all equals HOLIDAYS!
We're going to take Princess to Queensland to the theme parks. Even fly up there and stay in an apartment, not a tent. oh the luxury. We're going to give her the tickets for Christmas - I just can't wait to see her face... she's been asking for this for so long, and it's been a tough year for all of us. And then we're going to organise for Princess to go to her various grandparents' for another week and LB and I are going on a romantic getaway! Probably just to Tassie or somewhere equally unromantic, but it will be just the two of us, for a week, with no work or study or kids or animals or TTC to think about. Can't wait.
So, still crossing fingers, but allowing myself to be distracted by other exciting things. And I just bought Sim City 4 too - I am such a nerd but I love it! Distraction is my friend during the TWW, even though I should be studying for impending exams.
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