Pessimism and Decisions and Musings

Almost one week in. Theoretically, if anything is happening at all, implantation would be occurring sometime in next few days. But I don't think it is. I think I will get my period on Sunday 4th November or thereabouts.

We've been monitoring my temperature. And it's not doing anything at all like it should be. If the temps are correct, I haven't ovulated at all. So it would be impossible to be pregnant. But then again, we haven't been doing it at exactly the same time every day, which can make the whole process useless. So today we started waking at 530 to do so and will keep doing that to make sure it's accurate. And I did get a positive ovulation prediction kit result - which means that I did have an LH surge, which usually indicates ovulation. Who knows? We're both really frustrated that we can't just see a doctor to check something so simple - am I actually ovulating? We have to go through 10 -12 unsuccessful attempts before a doctor will even think about checking anything.

We also came to another big decision. We're going to start tracking LB's cycles and taking her temps. When we've worked out where she is at, we might alternate attempts. Or just give up on trying with me and start trying to get LB knocked up. This is a huge step for both of us. I have always wanted to have another child, and would dearly love to be pregnant again. I want to have a pregnancy that I can enjoy and share with the person I love. But there's no reason that it has to be me that's pregnant, is there? LB has never even contemplated getting pregnant herself, and giving birth. I think she's more than a bit scared and freaked out by the prospect. I do know that it doesn't matter a bit to either of us who gives birth to our child, or who is genetically related. Won't make us love our child any less. It's just a big leap for us, having had different expectations for so long. Would I be able to deal with watching LB do something that I so desperately want to do? (it's not just about having a child, it's about the process).

And what about everyone else? Would I be able to deal with not having any legal rights or responsibilities to do with PBX? (Yet somehow I can rationalise that I expect LB to be ok with that...) Would Princess understand that this was her sister or brother? Would my extended family (and friends) accept the child as mine as well as LB's? I'm fairly sure that my mother and stepfather would be deal with it well - they respect the fact that LB is Princess's parent too, and this would be no different. But not my father. Or my brother. Or my sister. Not that I speak to my siblings much at all, but they still matter to me. The same issues don't apply in reverse, because LB doesn't have any contact with her family at all. Or do they? I wonder if LB ever feels like she's not considered Princess's parent (apart than according to the law, that is, cos the law is sucky). Or if she worries that about PBX if I was to get pregnant? More discussions to have... It would be a new frontier for me, being a non-bio mum. And so radically different to what we already have.

But it would be really great to have a son or daughter with LB's beautiful eyes....