We're back from our QLD holiday, even if briefly. The holiday was amazing. Princess showed great courage (as did her mothers!) and went on almost all of the big thrill rides - including the giant drop and tower of terror. There is no way I would have done that aged only 7! Was a proud moment for me. I love that she's not afraid of much, but even when she is, she's capable of working through it.
Princess has been delivered exhausted to R1 and R2 for a couple of nights who will then take her to her grandmother's for a week. LB and I are madly repacking for our next trip (for insemination and relaxation!) and cleaning the house in preparation for our lovely housesitter. It's amazing just how dirty the house looks when you imagine someone else living in it...
So we'll be inseminating again in a few days. Mon, Tues, Wed if possible. It's hard to tell what is going on with ovulation - but hopefully it will be tues or wed and we'll manage to time it right. I'm feeling very ambivalent about the whole process right now. 5 failed tries. Seems like forever, yet I know that it's barely anything in comparison to so many others out there. Despite that, I'm beginning to think that it's just not going to work, that it's not meant to be. So I'm heading into this cycle with very little optimism.
I'm also having major insecurity issues about LB and commitment. Is silly really, and I'm sure I'm driving her crazy with it all. When we were first together I had a great job that brought in a good income (although it was slowly killing me!). Now I'm practically unemployed and relying on her to support us. Sometimes it feels like we've just fell into this life, that LB hasn't really made any of the decisions that have shaped our lives, that she's just gone along with it all. I know logically that she loves us and wants to be here, wants PBX as much as I do, and is in this forever. But irrationally, I can't help but think that I don't deserve any of that so it can't be true. Ah I could ramble on about my many neuroses for hours but that would just be boring.
Today is going to be very full. After the mad cleaning and packing we have to brief S on caring for our menagerie, then we're going to Carnival Day (part of big gay festival here) with friends. After dinner we'll begin the trek back up north. Hoping to get some of the way tonight so we don't have to drive the full 10-11 hours tomorrow...
We'll probably have wireless access and our laptop while away so there may or may not be updates.
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2 comments:
good luck...
we went into our last cycle extremely pessimistic...and stayed that way, i even had coffee a few times because i was sure it was anoother BFN..here we are almost 12weeks in..funnily enough i think it actually helped because i was less anxious and stopped thinking about it and started planning for the next cycle..i hope its a good sign for you too!
I had that pessimism this last cycle and still a BFN for me...that was my 5th one too. But it was nice to relax and not be so obsessed. And we are taking this next cycle off so I'm still not obsessing - a very nice break.
Good luck to you! I hope this is it!
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